I am struggling to find the right words to share what I’m going through right now. When you experience a loss in pregnancy, you lose your hope along with your baby. It took us so long after losing Angel to get to the point of being brave enough to try again for a child, and now here we are again, having lost this second pregnancy this past Sunday. Our loss this time was certainly different from our first pregnancy: we were only 5 wks along instead of 22 wks, we never heard a heartbeat, and we will never know if little Punkin was a boy or girl. But even though the pregnancy was alive to us only for a week this time, that week was full of the hopes and dreams of what the future had in store for us and our family. And as the days progress and the remaining traces of pregnancy leave my body, I feel my hopes and dreams leaving too. I keep wanting to rewind time somehow and go back to last Saturday, when all was well and I was happily pregnant. Back to planning how to tell people this Christmas, to share my baby shower with loved ones during my week off in March, and to welcome our son or daughter in June. But this will not play out as we hoped, prayed, or planned for. For whatever reason, God has other plans for us. And of course, there comes the inevitable shouting out “Why?!”
We will probably never know physically why we miscarried, and we’ll probably never know why this was in God’s plan. But just as when we lost Angel, I HAVE to believe that there is a greater purpose in all of this- some reason we have had to go through this- otherwise, I‘ll just drown in the grief. I try to tell myself that it is better that it happened this way, so early in the pregnancy and especially before hearing a heartbeat. I try to tell myself that God was saving us from having to go through the same thing as with Angel- finding out so far into the pregnancy that we’d lost him. I try to tell myself that the Lord knows what He is doing, and this was not the child we were supposed to care for, love, and parent. But we DID love our baby and we didn't want a different baby- we wanted THIS one. I do recognize just how much worse this could have been; after all, I haven’t lost my ability to have children. But when you go through what Dave and I have been through, you can’t help but wonder if it will EVER happen for you. Although the doctors don’t see the two pregnancy losses as linked in any way, what if they are- and Dave and I just aren’t able to create healthy children? What if there is something wrong with my fertility that is causing these defects? What if this is just the beginning of years of problems and treatments that may never end in us carrying and delivering a healthy child? I know in my heart that Dave and I are meant to be parents; of that, I have no doubt. But I’m starting to wonder if we’re meant to have our own biological children. Sigh. I know this is probably mostly just the grief coming through; as the sadness and emptiness of the loss consumes you, it‘s almost impossible to imagine a hopeful future.
I distinctly remember being much younger and dreaming of the joy and excitement of one day starting a family. I envisioned how fun and natural and effortless it would be, how all it would take is simply making the decision to have a baby and poof- I’d be pregnant, have a baby, and live happily ever after. When you first start TTC, you take it for granted that there won’t be any problems or complications along the way- after all, this is what nature made us women for, right? And then reality comes knocking and suddenly, getting pregnant and carrying a healthy child to term seems like an impossibly miraculous dream. I’m sure it’s hard for people who have never lost a baby to empathize with what I‘m going through, and I will forever envy how ignorant they get to be of this pain. I would not wish this on my worst enemy. But for those of us who have experienced pregnancy loss- or even those who have had major struggles in getting pregnant- we will forever view pregnancy differently.
I feel very blessed to have a few special people in my life who have been there for me during this whole process and especially over the past few days, and I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for your love, support, prayers, phone calls, emails, hugs, tears, and especially for sharing this with me, because I know it’s been hard on you too. You lived it with me, felt the loss with me, and while I am so sorry that you are also suffering, it has meant the world to me to know that I was not alone in all of this.
I do intend to keep this blog going for as long as it takes to get a healthy little one, so I recognize that there will be some people reading this entry months after I’ve posted it, at a time where I’ll hopefully be well into a third/fourth/fifth pregnancy that is going along fully healthy. So for those of you reading this at a much later date, you may be shocked to read that we went through another loss- and maybe even upset that I didn’t tell you. I apologize if you feel hurt that I didn’t share my news of this pregnancy with you or if you feel upset that I didn’t reach out to you for support when we lost our second baby. Please understand that from the very beginning of TTC after losing Angel, the whole process has been so difficult for me that the fact that I shared any of this with someone other than Dave is surprising. However, I recognized that sharing this journey with a couple of women who have already been through it would give me the strength to face my fears of what could- and unfortunately, did- go wrong, in order to achieve my dream of becoming a Mom. I hope this makes sense, and I hope you can understand.
Per doctors orders, we need to take some time off of TTC to let my body get back to normal. I look forward to “talking” to you again in a few months when we hop back on the TTC train. Until then,
Love and Blessings,
Nicki
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Celebrating Our 10-Year Anniversary :)
As Dave and I celebrate the last 10 years of love and friendship, I am overwhelmed with how in love with that man I am. We’ve been married for 6 years today, having gotten married on the 4-year anniversary of the day we started dating, and it has been an incredible journey already. Throughout our relationship, we’ve experienced some wonderful life events, including: graduations from technical school (Dave) and college (me), becoming “parents” by adopting 2 wonderful dogs, moving cross-country on our own, buying 2 homes, going through a couple of motorcycles and numerous cars, and welcoming loved ones into our family as our siblings and friends got married and had children. But it’s been those difficult life events that have truly defined our unbreakable love: losing my beloved grandfather, having the dream of owning and operating our own restaurant fall apart, living 600 miles away from everyone we know (forcing us to rely almost solely on each other), facing major financial crisis after the recession, and hardest of all, losing our baby Angel who was so deeply wanted. Any one of these devastating events would have been enough to test even the strongest marriage. But with each new obstacle, Dave and I found that the more our relationship was tested, the stronger our belief grew that we can conquer ANYthing God sends our way. I cannot imagine going through the journey of the last 10 years without Dave. He is my rock, my partner, my friend, and the father of our beloved Angel and our precious Punkin baby. I cannot express in words how blessed and grateful I feel that God brought Dave into my life. So, today, on our anniversary, as we prepare for this most exciting next chapter of our life together, I am finding myself more in love than ever before. Thank you, Mister, for letting me be an emotional wreck on a semi-regular basis, for all of the times you do the dishes without asking, for taking the dogs out at night when I’m too tired, for recognizing my need to babble about absolutely nothing interesting at the end of the day (just needing some adult interaction after hanging out with only kids all day), for loving me in spite of (and sometimes because of? J ) my faults, for reminding me of all of my good qualities, for being my partner every step of the way, for making me feel loved and treasured, for appreciating me, and for making me a Momma. I love you, Dave, and I always will. Forever and Ever, Amen J .
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
A 2-year-old's Insight
So I made my first doctor’s appt for Friday, October 22nd. Based on the day of my LP, the doctor will put me at 6 weeks 4 days at that point; however, based on my O date, I’ll actually be 5 weeks 6 days. My main goal at this appt is to get an u/s to give me some piece of mind that all is going well. With my first pregnancy, my first u/s was the 20 wk one, and I know there is no way I could wait that long this time. In fact, I’m hoping to have another earlier u/s around 14/15 wks to confirm that the baby is growing healthily, so that we can begin telling people at that time.
So, symptom-check time. I am still feeling very good- very happy and peaceful. I am definitely starting to feel the fatigue creeping in, and I have to remind myself to take it easy (like this Sunday when I tried to clean the whole house by myself…um, not such a good idea LOL). I’ve had some soreness in the BB area, but nothing too painful. I’m still cramping a bit, but I guess that’s to be expected as the little tadpole (that’s what she looks like right now!) settles in to her home. The nausea is started to show up more and more, though only for a short while each time. Food helps make it go away, as does rest. My peak nausea times right now are 3:30 in the afternoon and around 8:00 at night. It makes sense- these are the points in the day where I feel most fatigued. I am actually going to pick up one of those Sea-bands (nausea-relief bracelets) and see if it helps.
Alright, fun story time. Yesterday, I was playing outside with the kids I nanny for and we were drawing with chalk. I was drawing a baby (apparently I have babies on the brain, LOL), and I wanted to get some preschooler input on whether I’m having a boy or a girl. So I asked Parker if the baby I was drawing was a boy or girl. He put some real thought into it before saying “girl…no, boy….no, girl.” I asked him if maybe there should be two babies: a boy and a girl. He then said “they’re both girls!” LOL. So let it be shown here that if we are carrying twin girls, Parker said it first, lol. I do think that at some point in my life I will have twins; I just feel it. But I don’t feel that that is the case with this pregnancy. In fact, back on Sept 30th, I actually wrote down my prediction; I believed at that point that I was definitely pregnant and having a girl. So I’m sticking with that guess…for now J .
So, symptom-check time. I am still feeling very good- very happy and peaceful. I am definitely starting to feel the fatigue creeping in, and I have to remind myself to take it easy (like this Sunday when I tried to clean the whole house by myself…um, not such a good idea LOL). I’ve had some soreness in the BB area, but nothing too painful. I’m still cramping a bit, but I guess that’s to be expected as the little tadpole (that’s what she looks like right now!) settles in to her home. The nausea is started to show up more and more, though only for a short while each time. Food helps make it go away, as does rest. My peak nausea times right now are 3:30 in the afternoon and around 8:00 at night. It makes sense- these are the points in the day where I feel most fatigued. I am actually going to pick up one of those Sea-bands (nausea-relief bracelets) and see if it helps.
Alright, fun story time. Yesterday, I was playing outside with the kids I nanny for and we were drawing with chalk. I was drawing a baby (apparently I have babies on the brain, LOL), and I wanted to get some preschooler input on whether I’m having a boy or a girl. So I asked Parker if the baby I was drawing was a boy or girl. He put some real thought into it before saying “girl…no, boy….no, girl.” I asked him if maybe there should be two babies: a boy and a girl. He then said “they’re both girls!” LOL. So let it be shown here that if we are carrying twin girls, Parker said it first, lol. I do think that at some point in my life I will have twins; I just feel it. But I don’t feel that that is the case with this pregnancy. In fact, back on Sept 30th, I actually wrote down my prediction; I believed at that point that I was definitely pregnant and having a girl. So I’m sticking with that guess…for now J .
Sunday, October 10, 2010
PREGNANT!!!
Oh my Lord, I’m PREGNANT!!!
I cannot even begin to explain how excited I am that Dave and I are expecting again. From the moment we made the decision to start TTC, I knew September would be the month we’d conceive- I just KNEW it!!! (I love being right, LOL). I have felt all month long like this was our month, but still wondered if I was making up symptoms because I wanted it so bad. The timing just works out so well for so many reasons that we couldn’t have planned it better.
Okay, for the fun of it, let’s back up and examine the last several days. As of about Wednesday last week (11 DPO), I was feeling some pretty strong physical symptoms that made me think I definitely might be pregnant. But I really didn’t want to get my hopes up. But little things just made me think. For example, I normally don’t have a really strong sense of smell, but I have definitely been smelling anything and everything for the last week. Then, of course, there’s Zeus (my Akita/Husky) who has been giving me so much extra attention over the last week. He did the same thing throughout my first pregnancy- some animals just KNOW, and he’s one of them. And of course, there’s the few moments of queasiness that pop up here and there- and the raging hunger! This is a good phase: food is currently the most wonderful thing in the world; I know from experience that this doesn’t last long, so I’m enjoying it while it lasts!!!
Okay, back to the fun stuff. Come Friday night last week, I was going back and forth on whether or not to test in the morning since I‘d be 14 DPO. Well, after believing all month that this was the month, I was all of the sudden completely psyching myself out, making me not want to test- ever. I had a very rough night emotionally, became very depressed and all of the sudden started feeling like not only weren’t we pregnant right now, but that we never ever going to be. Just a TAD dramatic, huh? Lol. Actually, that severe of an emotional breakdown made me that much more convinced that AF would be showing any minute, because that’s how I get right before it comes. So I cried myself to sleep, fully expecting to see AF in the morning. Well, morning came and I woke up feeling very calm and emotionally together (literally night and day from 12 hours earlier, lol). I decided to test, just in case. I didn’t know what I “felt” anymore as far as whether or not I was pregnant, but I figured I might as well go for it. I set the test on the counter and woke up Dave. Wonderful, supportive husband and father-to-be that he is, Dave wanted to be there for the test results. So after about 5 minutes, we went in to look at the test together. And, um, I couldn’t open my eyes for a good 10 seconds- I was just so afraid to know. When I finally did, the first thing I saw was a really dark vertical line. I thought to myself, well, that’s the control line (we used a test that shows a plus for pregnant). It took a moment to realize that it was the HORIZONTAL line that was the control line- that super dark vertical line meant we are pregnant!!!
Obviously, we were both thrilled. I think I said “Oh my God,” about 10 times and burst into tears. It was absolutely the greatest moment. There is just something about this pregnancy that feels right. I mean, I thought that our second pregnancy would be terrifying for me right from the get-go. And it’s possible that I may find myself super stressed at times, but from the moment I saw that BFP result, I have felt this overwhelming peace and joy- something I’m sad to say I never felt while carrying Angel. Perhaps it’s women’s (or Mother’s) intuition, but I had a bad feeling from the moment we found out we were expecting him; this time, there is only joy and excitement about what is to come. Since I do know that there are so many things that can go wrong with any pregnancy, I have made a conscience decision to live by the following throughout my pregnancy: “Today, I am still pregnant.” And while I hope that that remains true for another 8 months, I know that each day I have with this precious baby (babies?) is a gift from God.
I cannot even begin to explain how excited I am that Dave and I are expecting again. From the moment we made the decision to start TTC, I knew September would be the month we’d conceive- I just KNEW it!!! (I love being right, LOL). I have felt all month long like this was our month, but still wondered if I was making up symptoms because I wanted it so bad. The timing just works out so well for so many reasons that we couldn’t have planned it better.
Okay, for the fun of it, let’s back up and examine the last several days. As of about Wednesday last week (11 DPO), I was feeling some pretty strong physical symptoms that made me think I definitely might be pregnant. But I really didn’t want to get my hopes up. But little things just made me think. For example, I normally don’t have a really strong sense of smell, but I have definitely been smelling anything and everything for the last week. Then, of course, there’s Zeus (my Akita/Husky) who has been giving me so much extra attention over the last week. He did the same thing throughout my first pregnancy- some animals just KNOW, and he’s one of them. And of course, there’s the few moments of queasiness that pop up here and there- and the raging hunger! This is a good phase: food is currently the most wonderful thing in the world; I know from experience that this doesn’t last long, so I’m enjoying it while it lasts!!!
Okay, back to the fun stuff. Come Friday night last week, I was going back and forth on whether or not to test in the morning since I‘d be 14 DPO. Well, after believing all month that this was the month, I was all of the sudden completely psyching myself out, making me not want to test- ever. I had a very rough night emotionally, became very depressed and all of the sudden started feeling like not only weren’t we pregnant right now, but that we never ever going to be. Just a TAD dramatic, huh? Lol. Actually, that severe of an emotional breakdown made me that much more convinced that AF would be showing any minute, because that’s how I get right before it comes. So I cried myself to sleep, fully expecting to see AF in the morning. Well, morning came and I woke up feeling very calm and emotionally together (literally night and day from 12 hours earlier, lol). I decided to test, just in case. I didn’t know what I “felt” anymore as far as whether or not I was pregnant, but I figured I might as well go for it. I set the test on the counter and woke up Dave. Wonderful, supportive husband and father-to-be that he is, Dave wanted to be there for the test results. So after about 5 minutes, we went in to look at the test together. And, um, I couldn’t open my eyes for a good 10 seconds- I was just so afraid to know. When I finally did, the first thing I saw was a really dark vertical line. I thought to myself, well, that’s the control line (we used a test that shows a plus for pregnant). It took a moment to realize that it was the HORIZONTAL line that was the control line- that super dark vertical line meant we are pregnant!!!
Obviously, we were both thrilled. I think I said “Oh my God,” about 10 times and burst into tears. It was absolutely the greatest moment. There is just something about this pregnancy that feels right. I mean, I thought that our second pregnancy would be terrifying for me right from the get-go. And it’s possible that I may find myself super stressed at times, but from the moment I saw that BFP result, I have felt this overwhelming peace and joy- something I’m sad to say I never felt while carrying Angel. Perhaps it’s women’s (or Mother’s) intuition, but I had a bad feeling from the moment we found out we were expecting him; this time, there is only joy and excitement about what is to come. Since I do know that there are so many things that can go wrong with any pregnancy, I have made a conscience decision to live by the following throughout my pregnancy: “Today, I am still pregnant.” And while I hope that that remains true for another 8 months, I know that each day I have with this precious baby (babies?) is a gift from God.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Lord grant me the patience I need RIGHT NOW!!!
I’m 9 DPO and completely impatient and anxious about whether or not I‘m PG. Part of me wants the week to pass, like, NOW so I can test…but the other part of me is holding on to the fact that no AF yet and no BFN yet means there is still hope for this cycle. Once AF shows, that’s it- onto Cycle 3. Arrgh…I just don’t think I can take the stress of this month after month! Not that I have a choice, lol- it’s either deal with the stress or stop trying. And I know that it is absolutely normal for it to take 6 months to a year for even healthy couples to get PG (fingers crossed that we are healthy), but this is just ridiculously stressful!!! Okay, please forgive me, but I just need to take a minute and have a toddler tantrum: I don’t want to wait a whole other cycle! I wanna be pregnant RIGHT NOW! It’s not fair- other people have kids, I want one too!!! Okay, tantrum over, LOL J . I really don’t think I was ready last month, and God knew and that’s partly why we didn’t conceive. But I know that I am completely ready now to embrace a second pregnancy, come what may. So….bring it on! NOW!!! J .
So last month before AF came, I was having symptoms comparable to what I felt during my first PG: cramping, soreness/tingling in certain areas, etc. The symptoms made me think I was PG last cycle even though I didn’t “feel” it intuitively. These symptoms are rare for my cycles, but apparently it’s now the norm because I’ve been feeling them again since O day. It’s frustrating because I feel like I’m creating them in my mind because I want to be PG so bad. Of course, it’s entirely possible that these symptoms have always been there pre-Af, and I was just never paying any attention. Grrr…it’s so hard! Oh Lord, please let me be PG, please let me be PG, please let me be PG (I’m trying the Wizard of Oz 3x the charm theory, lol).
So last month before AF came, I was having symptoms comparable to what I felt during my first PG: cramping, soreness/tingling in certain areas, etc. The symptoms made me think I was PG last cycle even though I didn’t “feel” it intuitively. These symptoms are rare for my cycles, but apparently it’s now the norm because I’ve been feeling them again since O day. It’s frustrating because I feel like I’m creating them in my mind because I want to be PG so bad. Of course, it’s entirely possible that these symptoms have always been there pre-Af, and I was just never paying any attention. Grrr…it’s so hard! Oh Lord, please let me be PG, please let me be PG, please let me be PG (I’m trying the Wizard of Oz 3x the charm theory, lol).
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Anniversary Present?
So I started using the website FertilityFriend.com this month to chart my cycle and get a better idea of when conception is likely to happen. I'm loving all the little tools and features that help predict stuff like when you should take a pregnancy test. From my own calculations, I had figured that I would test on Sunday the 10th if no AF yet; however, this site is suggesting we wait until the 14th to test. And it just so happens that the 14th is Dave and my 6-year wedding anniversary, with 10 total years together. So I'm gonna side with Fertility Friend on this one- no testing until the 14th. Maybe. If I can be that patient, LOL.
But seriously, it does make sense to wait a little longer so I don't test too early. I tested early with my first pregnancy, absolutely sure I was pregnant (which it turned out I indeed was), but it came back as a BFN and I was devastated. So waiting that extra few days to know I'm getting an accurate result makes the most sense. It'll also help to prevent a false BFP if I have a chemical pregnancy. But I'm feeling quite optomistic this month, so it'll be a loooong 12 more days until we test! Oh, and this may be a bit dorky, but another good reason to wait until the 14th is that it is a Thursday. There are 2 things that I know for sure, in my life, about Thursdays: #1 Severe weather happens most frequently on Thursdays for me (I'm serious!!! LOL) and #2 Significant life events in my life happen on Thursdays: I was born on a Thursday, got married on a Thursday (who gets married on a Thursday? LOL), and had Angel on a Thursday. So OF COURSE we'll find out we're pregnant on a Thursday, right? Right?!! The stars are all aligning this month, right?!! Don't worry, I'm not stressing out TOO much....LOL.
But seriously, it does make sense to wait a little longer so I don't test too early. I tested early with my first pregnancy, absolutely sure I was pregnant (which it turned out I indeed was), but it came back as a BFN and I was devastated. So waiting that extra few days to know I'm getting an accurate result makes the most sense. It'll also help to prevent a false BFP if I have a chemical pregnancy. But I'm feeling quite optomistic this month, so it'll be a loooong 12 more days until we test! Oh, and this may be a bit dorky, but another good reason to wait until the 14th is that it is a Thursday. There are 2 things that I know for sure, in my life, about Thursdays: #1 Severe weather happens most frequently on Thursdays for me (I'm serious!!! LOL) and #2 Significant life events in my life happen on Thursdays: I was born on a Thursday, got married on a Thursday (who gets married on a Thursday? LOL), and had Angel on a Thursday. So OF COURSE we'll find out we're pregnant on a Thursday, right? Right?!! The stars are all aligning this month, right?!! Don't worry, I'm not stressing out TOO much....LOL.
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