This Fall, it will be 5 years since we first started our journey to become parents. While we took a significant break of time between our pregnancy with Angel and our pregnancy with Punkin, everything that happened in the middle- especially moving 600 miles away from all we’d ever known- was part of our overall journey towards creating a life for our future family. We are now entering the 4th month of TTC our third pregnancy. It’s so easy to get incredibly discouraged and depressed when I think of the past 5 years and all the pain we’ve gone through trying to achieve a dream that often seems unattainable. But after spending all of yesterday in such mental darkness after getting a negative result on a PG test (and yes, AF has officially arrived), I woke up this morning with a new perspective.
It is so important for my future children that I not lose sight of the bigger picture: that this is a journey (hence the title of the blog, lol). And like any journey, there will be obstacles and unexpected deviations along the way. Eventually, at some point in the future, Dave and I will have a family. We have no idea how long it will take to get there; we have no idea what additional obstacles we will face. It could take us a year of trying before we get PG for a third time. We could get PG again and lose another pregnancy. Or several. We may find ourselves seeking the assistance of fertility experts. I may have a recurrence in my other ovary that necessitates its removal as well.
But all of these things, as hard as they would be to face, would not prevent us from becoming parents. This is what I realized this morning. See, if our life plays out in such a way that we cannot have our own biological children, then we were not meant to. I firmly believe everything happens for a reason, and if it is not God’s will for us to have our own children, it’s because he has another child for us to love. Now, I would be lying if I said I don’t still hope with all my heart that we will have our own healthy child one day; after all it has been my greatest dream since I was 4 years old and my mom brought my baby sister (MY baby, lol) home from the hospital. But I have to recognize that it will not be the end of the world if that is not God’s plan. He knows what He’s doing, and I have to remember to have faith in Him. Of course, it would make things SO much easier if He’d give me a LITTLE hint about what’s to come so I don‘t have to sit around wondering, lol. Seriously though, I do think it’s the unknown that is so difficult- the wondering if it will ever happen for us. But for my future children’s sake, for Dave’s sake, and for MY sake, I have to move forward with faith, hope, and courage for whatever the future might bring.
So no longer will I give in to the stress cycle of: how many days pass ovulation I am…how many days until AF should be here…maybe I should test today…when would I be due if I was PG right now…hey, that felt like a PG symptom…it’s just too much. So I’m turning it all over to God from this point on, and I have decided to just sit back and enjoy and, more importantly, APPRECIATE the journey.
