As I sit here for the first time since October to update my journey, I am finding it poignant that had my pregnancy with Punkin been a healthy one, I would be delivering around now. To say God had other plans for little Punkin is a great understatement, but more about that later. I’ll try and make the long story of the last 9 months as short as possible.
My doctor had me come in for an ultrasound following my miscarriage in October, to make sure there were no complications. During the ultrasound, the tech commented on a cyst on my ovary, wondering how long I’d had it. I explained I didn’t even know I had one, as I’d never had a cyst before. In talking with my doctor, he said it was probably nothing to worry about- that cysts are very common and grow and shrink with our cycles. My main concern at that point was just wanting to know when I could get pregnant again, which he said should be fine to do after one healthy cycle. As a follow-up, I asked what the next step with the cyst was. He said we might as well check it again in a month to see if it would shrink, which he suspected it would (indicating it was nothing to worry about). So I came back a month later, but there was no change in the cyst. After further evaluation, it was diagnosed as a dermoid cyst, which would unfortunately have to be surgically removed because it can cause issues. That was very difficult to hear because we were about to start trying again, and now would have to postpone TTC for about 3 more months. I scheduled the surgery for the first week of January, and spent the holidays depressed over being no closer to having a baby and being terrified of having my first surgery ever.
The surgery to remove the cyst was done laparoscopically, which is a minimally invasive method that only left 2 little scars on my tummy. It wasn’t as bad as I was expecting, and I had no issues with the anesthesia (which was my biggest fear). The best part was finding out afterwards that they didn’t need to remove the ovary itself, which was a big fear going into it. So…the surgery was on a Wednesday. That Friday, I got a call from my doctor’s nurse telling me he wanted to see me first thing Monday morning. This was weird because I had a follow-up appt already scheduled with him for the following week. I tried not to worry too much, as I tend to assume the worst in situations. Come Monday morning, we braved an historical Southern snowstorm to make it to the doctor’s office (my wonderful husband came with me). When the doctor walked in the exam room, I was expecting him to just do the follow-up exam, but instead he wanted to discuss some lab results with me. It turned out that the mass on my ovary was not a cyst; it was a tumor. I was shocked. He talked briefly about how my prognosis seemed good, how we caught it so early, how lucky I was because ovarian cancer is often caught too late for treatment to be effective (because symptoms don‘t show up until it‘s spread), how surgery would probably be all that was needed to heal me (probably no chemo or radiation), and how he had a great oncologist who would take good care of me. My first thought? “So THAT’s why I lost the pregnancy.” (I’ll explain more later). After that, all I could think was cancer, cancer, cancer. Walking back out into the waiting area to my nervous husband, I couldn’t talk yet because I knew I’d lose it. So I just held his hand and we made it to the parking lot before I broke down and told him. He was so wonderful and supportive, and we both instantly realized that little Punkin was our messenger from God to let me know that this potentially life-threatening thing was inside me.
So, fast-forwarding through some boring details, I saw my oncologist, had my first CT scan, got some blood work, scheduled another surgery for mid-February, and did more research on the tumor. I had a “borderline tumor,” which is considered malignant. However, after the results came back from the second surgery (which was a more involved procedure leading to a more difficult recovery and an additional 5 scars on my poor tummy)- during which they removed my left ovary and sample tissue from various areas to check for spreading- it was determined that it did not spread beyond the tumor itself. Even better news was that my right ovary was very healthy, and did not need to be removed (this was a possibility going in to the surgery). The best news was when I was talking to my oncologist during my post-op, and I flat out asked her if what I had had was actually cancer, and said no. She said that had the tumor been left alone, it had the “potential to become cancerous.” It was not benign, but not cancer- hence the term Borderline Tumor. The bad part is that there is a slight chance of recurrence in the other ovary, so at some point I will need to have a full hysterectomy (taking out everything is the only way to eliminate the risk of recurrence). My oncologist actually flat-out said that if I didn’t plan on ever getting pregnant, they would have done the hysterectomy now. She would like me to get my pregnancies out of the way as fast as possible so we can do the surgery in the next few years, and in the meantime I’ll get regular ultrasounds to make sure there are no new tumors.
So, per doctor’s orders, it’s time again to jump on the TTC roller coaster! Except for that other surgery I need to have…the one I have been putting off for about 13 years now…having my wisdom teeth out, lol. Yep- 3rd surgery this year. I bet my health insurance LOVES me, lol. SO, that will be in a couple of weeks. After that, we’ll be free to get PG again. Which explains why I have been stressing out like no other. Aside from another cancer-like diagnosis, I don’t know if anything is more terrifying that the prospect of getting PG again. Losing Angel is something I will never fully get over, and although Punkin saved my life, the loss of the pregnancy was completely devastating. Yet here we are, once again poised to jump into the abyss of the unknown. Will we finally get a healthy pregnancy? I want so badly to enter this third leap of faith with optimism, but it is SO hard. But I do believe that everything happens for a reason. Having witnessed God’s miracles through Punkin, it’s hard to believe anything else. That’s probably the most incredible thing that has come out of all I’ve been through over the last 9 months- what a true miracle it is that the tumor was caught so early. For the timing to be just perfect enough that it was visible, but early enough that it hadn’t spread. Think about it- if I had not gotten PG with Punkin, there would have been no need to have an ultrasound. No ultrasound means the tumor goes undiscovered, allowing it to grow and become cancerous, spreading and not only threatening my fertility but my life. Had the pregnancy been a viable one, they would have gone on assuming it was a cyst as originally thought, and thus left alone and allowed to grow and potentially spread- OR if it was correctly diagnosed, I would have potentially had to face the decision of having to terminate the pregnancy to save my own life by having surgery. So the only way it could have played out to ensure my health and my fertility was as it did. The tremendous blessing God sent me by way of my brief pregnancy with Punkin literally saved my life. And knowing that He is looking out for me, I am ready to take this leap of faith and try again. Who knows what will happen next, or how long it will take to happen- but come what may, I’m ready. I think J .
