Meeting an Imaginary Deadline

So it’s now 4 DPO and I’ve been reflecting on how true it is that this is all a journey. On a previous post, I mentioned how I was conflicted about whether or not I would want to try next month if we don’t conceive this month- because I was thinking that the timeline next cycle would be so close to our pregnancy with Angel 4 years ago that it just seemed like it would be too painful. However, as it turns out, this current cycle is actually the one that most closely parallels our pregnancy with Angel; in fact, we’re only off by 2 weeks. And I find myself actually hoping we are pregnant right now because it makes me feel more connected to Angel. In fact, the day we will test this cycle if no AF yet (Oct 10^th) is the day we conceived Angel 4 years ago. Seems like it would be very fitting, like we’ve come full circle or something, to find ourselves expecting again on that date. And of course, now if we don’t get PG this month, I won’t need to stress about whether or not to try again next month- it’s all good!

So I think it is pretty normal when TTC to have a date in mind that you’d like to be PG by (at least for us women!). This is gonna sound a bit dorky and unrealistic, but for me, it’s this second cycle. It’s not so much that I hope to get pregnant in JUST 2 cycles, but more so that I want to be out of the first trimester by Christmas. For Christmas this year, my family will be coming down to spend some time with us. Because we want to wait until after a later ultrasound to share our (future) pregnancy news, this current cycle is the last one that we could do that by Christmas. And I really want to tell as many people as possible in person, which can be a challenge when we live 600 miles away from everyone! Having my family down here visiting would be the perfect opportunity to share. So if we don’t get PG this month AND we decide to stick with the “wait until after the ultrasound” mentality, the next time I’ll be able to tell anyone in person will be around March 14^th, when I’ll be spending a week or so up North visiting everyone. That could be very interesting since I could be as far along as 22 weeks by that point. And that would make things more difficult because Dave isn’t supposed to be joining me on that trip up, but we’d want to tell everyone together. But, as usual, I am getting WAY ahead of myself, LOL. I just need to remember that whenever and however it happens, it’ll all work out. And if we need to take a random long weekend to surprise everyone, that’s how we’ll do it!
Blessing y’all!

Auntie Nicki...again!!!

So I’m almost 2 weeks into Month 2 of TTC, and I’ve started using the ovulation testing kit for the first time. My cycle varies so much that it will be SO much less stressful to know exactly what days I’m most fertile- and to know that we gave it the best possible chance. Plus, knowing when I ovulate will help me determine when AF is supposed to show up, so I won’t have to be stressing out for a week while wondering. Good times!

So one major thought that I keep replaying in my mind is what to do if we don’t get pregnant this month. See, I conceived Angel in October of 2006, and I just don’t know that I could handle conceiving this next baby in the same month. I just feel like it will be too hard to have all of the milestones- especially the 20-wk ultrasound- on the same timeline. So I think if we don’t conceive this month, we may go back to using BC for the next cycle, then start TTC again in November. But who knows- hopefully I won’t even need to worry about that because in a few weeks we could already be pregnant!

Oh, and I have to share the most wonderful news- I found out this past weekend that my brother and his new wife are expecting their first child in May! I am so happy for them- I know how badly they want to start a family. Cindy (my sister-in-law) is just the most wonderful new addition to our family, and I am THRILLED that they’ll be adding a little bundle of joy to the family. I can’t wait to get to be an aunt again!!! I think it will be so fun to be pregnant alongside Cindy, so hopefully it won’t be too much longer until I can join the mommy-to-be club J .

Month 2

Well, AF came last night so we're on to the next cycle. I am definitely feeling disappointed, but I'm also feeling something very unexpected- a tiny bit relieved. It's not that I don't want a baby- oh Lord, I want my own child so bad it aches. But the idea of going through pregnancy again is something I am terrified to face. And not being pregnant yet somehow means I don't yet have to face it all...the fears of what could go wrong...the physical toll on my body on a daily basis- especially the nausea...and the hardest part, which will be the first 22 weeks of re-living each milestone I had with Angel. I so wish I could just fast-forward to the baby part!

Today was especially difficult because on top of knowing we have to try all over again this month, I learned that a woman in the kids (I nanny for)'s class is 16 weeks along with her second little one, due on March 1st- Angel's anniversary. She's a sweet lady, and I'm happy for her, but it's just always hard to see other people pregnant and having babies when I'm neither.

I have to hold onto the faith that it will happen for me when it is supposed to- that God's plan for me is grander than I can know. This gives me some comfort, and now I just need to enjoy the life He's given me so far.

Disappointment :(

So last night, I "knew" I was pregnant. I just "knew" it. I also was just positive that if I took a test this morning, it would come out positive. It was a long, restless night, but come 5:30 this morning, I excitedly took my first pregnancy test. I was shocked and disappointed to see a BFN show up :(. I took a second test just in case, but same result. Now, it's entirely possible that I just tested too early, but I no longer "feel" pregnant. I'm worried that I just imagined the symptoms because I want it so bad. Sigh...if no AF by Weds, I think I'll test again- or wait until next weekend like I had originally planned. Praying for the patience, faith, and courage to accept whatever He brings my way this week!

TTC

Dave and I have gone back and forth over the past year or so about when the "right time" will be to try again for a family. Finances had dictated that this summer would be the absolute earliest we could begin trying, though our plan was to wait one more year to build a nest egg. Well...I've pretty much had "baby fever" for the past 5 years (and have wanted to be a mom since I was like 6 years old), so the thought of waiting even 1 more year was just torture! Lol...thankfully, my wonderful man agreed that we are ready to welcome a little one, so we have officially been TTC for a month :).

With our pregnancy with Angel, we got pregnant right away. So of course, Dave is convinced that we are super fertile and will again conceive immediately. I was not so sure...until the past few days when I've been experiencing some familiar symptoms. I'm starting to think I am already pregnant, and am doing my best to stay calm! The idea of being pregnant after just one try again gives me such a rush of different emotions: excitement that I could be just 9 months away from fulfilling my lifelong dream, terrified of what pregnancy has meant for me in the past and fearful that it will happen again, worried (superstious) about this pregnancy playing out exactly the same (pregnant immediately or "easily" but leading to a devastating outcome), and a bit guilty because we have not even told our family that we are trying again. In fact, we have gone out of our way to let people think that we are waiting a WHILE because we don't want to stress them out as well. I just feel like it will be so much better to be able to announce that when we are 20 Weeks along and completely healthy- instead of telling so early like we did last time, then have everyone as nervous as us until we pass that 20-week mark. Sigh...of course, keeping this a secret from them will be SO hard!!!