Well, AF came last night so we're on to the next cycle. I am definitely feeling disappointed, but I'm also feeling something very unexpected- a tiny bit relieved. It's not that I don't want a baby- oh Lord, I want my own child so bad it aches. But the idea of going through pregnancy again is something I am terrified to face. And not being pregnant yet somehow means I don't yet have to face it all...the fears of what could go wrong...the physical toll on my body on a daily basis- especially the nausea...and the hardest part, which will be the first 22 weeks of re-living each milestone I had with Angel. I so wish I could just fast-forward to the baby part!
Today was especially difficult because on top of knowing we have to try all over again this month, I learned that a woman in the kids (I nanny for)'s class is 16 weeks along with her second little one, due on March 1st- Angel's anniversary. She's a sweet lady, and I'm happy for her, but it's just always hard to see other people pregnant and having babies when I'm neither.
I have to hold onto the faith that it will happen for me when it is supposed to- that God's plan for me is grander than I can know. This gives me some comfort, and now I just need to enjoy the life He's given me so far.
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