I find myself at a significant milestone in my incredible journey as a parent. It was 2 years ago this week that Lexi was conceived. Has it really been 2 years that she has been a part of my life? It blows my mind that it has been so long because when I close my eyes, I am right back where I was 2 years ago: Wondering if I would ever have a healthy baby. Wondering if this cycle of TTC would work. Wondering…am I already pregnant? Dreaming of what that baby might be like, what our future together might be- mine, Dave’s, and our unborn child. And here, 2 years later, I am living that reality with a happy, completely healthy 15-month old toddler that is, pure and simple, my dream come true. I could not ask for a greater gift from God than my sweet, goofy, lovable, happy, curious, energetic, fascinating, curious, inquisitive, mischievous, beautiful little Alexandria Elizabeth. She brings me so much joy, it still brings me to tears. How Dave and I could have created such a wonderful little miracle is beyond me- she is as perfect as can be…though I may be slightly biased, lol. Of course I think she’s the most wonderful human being on the face of the earth, as all parents do of their child- and I am rejoicing each day that I get to parent THIS child. God knows what He is doing, and to know that he trusted Dave and I to care for Lexi, to raise and guide her well, is both the greatest blessing and the greatest responsibility. I see in my daughter a world of potential, and I know I play a big role in impacting how that potential might be fulfilled. While I don’t care to put specific aspirations on her, rather I’d prefer to instead encourage her own passions, I find myself worrying she might follow in my footsteps.
All my life, the common thread I heard was that I “had a lot of potential.” From teachers, from my parents, and definitely from myself. It’s almost like everyone can see that I have this potential within me to do something great, but I have never lived up to it. Sure, I did well in school- technically. While my grades were decent, I always took the easy way out when possible. I never internalized what I was supposedly learning- I learned to get a good grade, not to acquire knowledge. And now I find myself at 31 years old with no real prospects of a career beyond basic employment. Yet I have a B.S. Degree and graduated Magna Cum Laude. So supposedly I must be smart…right? Not so much. Only on paper. Which is such a shame…and brings me to my point. I see tremendous potential in Lexi, and I hope with all my heart that her potential is realized. As her mother, I need to figure out how to nurture that drive within her. I dream for her a life of purpose, dedication, passion- a life of living to her fullest, no matter where that takes her. I look at my own life, and I see so much potential wasted. The effort, the focus, and the determination needed to acquire anything of meaning was lost on me. Except in one very specific area. There is one dream I have seen through in my own life, one aspect I have lived up to my potential in: becoming a mother. No matter the difficult path to get here, I did not waiver until the vision in my head became my reality. In fact, I found my determination become stronger with each setback, knowing deep in my heart that that my true potential of motherhood would one day be realized. I had no idea just how great that dream would turn out to be, for when I pictured my potential unborn child 2 years ago, there is no way I could have imagined just how special Lexi would be. There is just something about her, a spark within her that cannot be explained- this little girl has the potential to change the world. And I will be there to support her every step of the way.
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Friday, April 13, 2012
Playing the Waiting Game
As of tomorrow, we will be 39 Weeks along. Though we were technically considered “full-term” at 37 Weeks, tomorrow’s milestone is the ultimate goal medically for a healthy pregnancy. We made it! I just cannot believe how far we’ve come, and how close we are to meeting our sweet baby. We had a false alarm the night before last, where I thought my water may have broken, but after going in to the hospital to have it checked out, we found out it hadn‘t. It was definitely disappointing because we are just SO ready to meet our daughter! As each day passes, it gets increasingly harder to sit around and wait. Since my blood pressure has been elevated over the past few weeks, I’m on modified bed rest and have to spend much of my day lying on my side. Without the ability to do much around the house to keep myself busy, the waiting tends to drag on, and I find myself questioning every ache- could that be a contraction? Lol. I know that right now, Sweet Pea is in the safest place possible for her to be healthy. I had a couple of ultrasounds this week, and they showed just how well she’s doing in my womb. So, logically, I know that she’s where she needs to be right now. But my heart wants so badly to hold her and love on her and tell he how much I’ve been looking forward to being her Momma, and so I want her to come right NOW! Lol. First lesson in parenting that I need to learn: it’s time to let go of control. And oh hard that will be for a control freak like me, lol. But this little one is already teaching me that it’s not about MY plan, MY timeline- life will happen and play out as it’s supposed to, no matter how much I try to control it. And I know my daughter will be just as stubborn as me, so the sooner I learn that I can’t control her, the better!
On another note, I am surprised to find myself a little sad at the idea of not being pregnant for much longer. Even though it has been incredibly physically demanding, and the idea of going through the morning sickness of the first half all over again one day makes me want to stay as far away from Dave as possible lest I get pregnant again lol, I will miss this special time alone with my little one. It sounds cliché, but pregnancy is just such a miracle and it’s so hard to wrap my head around the blessing I’ve been given of carrying this child of God over the past 9 months. You know, as painful as this journey has been at times, as difficult as our losses of Angel and Punkin were, I know that from their short lives, I was taught an invaluable lesson in the fragility and true miraculous nature of life. I have such a profound appreciation for what it means that we are at this point right now, with a full-term baby with no foreseeable complications after a pregnancy that had no major health issues- no pre-term labor, no pre-term delivery, no pre-eclampsia, no gestational diabetes, no random hospital stays. I feel so grateful and blessed to have had the healthy pregnancy I have, and I thank God daily for taking such incredibly good care of my daughter. I still feel in awe of the whole situation, and find myself waking up in the morning often thinking it’s all just a dream. I can’t put into words what it’s like to have a dream that was set in motion 5 ½ years ago, but first imagined around 25 years ago, almost realized. It’s truly surreal, and if I am dreaming, please don’t wake me up- I want to see how this one plays out and see what this beautiful miracle growing inside my belly looks like first J .
Lord, I pray that you will watch over us in these final days of our pregnancy, keeping our baby girl healthy and strong. I pray for a smooth and complication-free labor and delivery and for our daughter to be born healthy and free of any medical complications. Thank you so much, Lord, for the incredible blessing of this child and for choosing Dave and I to be her parents. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
On another note, I am surprised to find myself a little sad at the idea of not being pregnant for much longer. Even though it has been incredibly physically demanding, and the idea of going through the morning sickness of the first half all over again one day makes me want to stay as far away from Dave as possible lest I get pregnant again lol, I will miss this special time alone with my little one. It sounds cliché, but pregnancy is just such a miracle and it’s so hard to wrap my head around the blessing I’ve been given of carrying this child of God over the past 9 months. You know, as painful as this journey has been at times, as difficult as our losses of Angel and Punkin were, I know that from their short lives, I was taught an invaluable lesson in the fragility and true miraculous nature of life. I have such a profound appreciation for what it means that we are at this point right now, with a full-term baby with no foreseeable complications after a pregnancy that had no major health issues- no pre-term labor, no pre-term delivery, no pre-eclampsia, no gestational diabetes, no random hospital stays. I feel so grateful and blessed to have had the healthy pregnancy I have, and I thank God daily for taking such incredibly good care of my daughter. I still feel in awe of the whole situation, and find myself waking up in the morning often thinking it’s all just a dream. I can’t put into words what it’s like to have a dream that was set in motion 5 ½ years ago, but first imagined around 25 years ago, almost realized. It’s truly surreal, and if I am dreaming, please don’t wake me up- I want to see how this one plays out and see what this beautiful miracle growing inside my belly looks like first J .
Lord, I pray that you will watch over us in these final days of our pregnancy, keeping our baby girl healthy and strong. I pray for a smooth and complication-free labor and delivery and for our daughter to be born healthy and free of any medical complications. Thank you so much, Lord, for the incredible blessing of this child and for choosing Dave and I to be her parents. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
Monday, March 5, 2012
Random Thoughts...
Let’s see, we are now 33 weeks along…we took the childbirth class last Saturday, the crib is up, the mattress is here, I’m no longer working, baby is moving like crazy and somewhere around 4 ½ pounds and 19 ½ inches according to the books, and most of our “meet the baby” out-of-town visitors have scheduled their visits. (PS Anyone who wants to come visit is more than welcome- give me a call and we'll schedule you in!). Now we play the waiting game! Or the, “stop procrastinating Nicki and start organizing Sweet Pea’s clothes and stuff” game. I have all of Sweet Pea’s stuff in her room still in boxes and bags…some of the clothes are at least separated by size, but nothing is washed. I can’t help feeling like actually getting it all ready will jinx things in some way. But I know that if I don’t take care of all that before she gets here, I’m going to be one stressed Momma when I bring her home. So that’s on this week’s To-Do list!
A pregnancy message board I’m a part of had a recent posting of a family going to see the 3-D ultrasound of their daughter at 32 Weeks, only to discover they were actually having a son…they had been told 3 months ago that they were having a girl after their doctor did their ultrasound. Kinda makes you stop and say “what if…?“ I mean, what are the odds that Sweet Pea really is a boy? Lol, maybe that’s why we can’t come up with a girl name!
At our childbirth class, Dave kept saying that one of the nurses teaching the class looked really familiar- and she recognized him too. At a break, they got to talking and it turns out that not only had he sold her some paint for her daughter’s bedroom recently, they’d had a lengthy discussion about baby girl names and what we should name our little one! (Her verdict: Laney, which is what she named her daughter). She’s one of the Labor & Delivery nurses of course, so it’s definitely possible we’ll see her again when we’re in labor. Small world! Interesting enough, that’s now the third person Dave has recognized from his work at Porter Paints while at our hospital- he even recognized someone in the waiting room at our doctor’s appt once. Apparently, Dave is THE paint guy in the Memphis area J .
Fun story: 2 couples in the same childbirth class as us were friends…due on the same day. Weird as that sounds, it gets crazier. They were on vacation together when they conceived. Even crazier…a third couple joined them on that vacation and also conceived- they are due 2 days after the first 2 couples. How insane is that?! 3 couples all conceiving on the same vacation and due within 2 days of each other.
Cute Zeus story: Throughout my pregnancy, Zeus has acted like he knows I’m pregnant- and that he’s very happy about it and can’t wait to meet his new playmate. He just does these little things like sniffing my belly regularly (to make sure she’s still in there?). So the other day, Dave and I are lying on the couch watching TV when Sweet Pea starts moving a lot. Zeus was across the room, lying down, but looking around. As soon as I (very subtly- by no means some huge gesture) moved Dave’s hand onto my belly to feel baby’s movements, Zeus got up and came right over. First he started licking Dave’s hand on my belly (I think he was trying to get him to move his hand either so he could feel the baby or because he thought he was protecting the baby)- when Dave didn’t move his hand, Zeus sadly laid his head down on my lap and waited for Dave to finish. It was really fascinating. I swear some days it’s like Zeus is watching me like I’m a time bomb about to go into labor at any second. He’s very attentive to where I am and what I’m doing and I SWEAR he is already protective of Sweet Pea. And then there’s Jazzie…poor girl has no idea how much her world is going to change soon…it would be so much easier if she didn’t hate anyone under the age of 12. It doesn’t help that now that I’m off work, her new favorite sleeping spot is my lap. She gets up and follows me wherever I go so she can hop back onto my lap as soon as I sit or lie down again. After another 7 weeks of this, what are the odds that she’s going to be willing to share her “bed” with the baby? Oh, sibling rivalry, it's starts so early!
So all is going well and healthy, and all prayers are very much appreciated. Less than 50 days until we finally get to meet this little one- I can't wait!!!
A pregnancy message board I’m a part of had a recent posting of a family going to see the 3-D ultrasound of their daughter at 32 Weeks, only to discover they were actually having a son…they had been told 3 months ago that they were having a girl after their doctor did their ultrasound. Kinda makes you stop and say “what if…?“ I mean, what are the odds that Sweet Pea really is a boy? Lol, maybe that’s why we can’t come up with a girl name!
At our childbirth class, Dave kept saying that one of the nurses teaching the class looked really familiar- and she recognized him too. At a break, they got to talking and it turns out that not only had he sold her some paint for her daughter’s bedroom recently, they’d had a lengthy discussion about baby girl names and what we should name our little one! (Her verdict: Laney, which is what she named her daughter). She’s one of the Labor & Delivery nurses of course, so it’s definitely possible we’ll see her again when we’re in labor. Small world! Interesting enough, that’s now the third person Dave has recognized from his work at Porter Paints while at our hospital- he even recognized someone in the waiting room at our doctor’s appt once. Apparently, Dave is THE paint guy in the Memphis area J .
Fun story: 2 couples in the same childbirth class as us were friends…due on the same day. Weird as that sounds, it gets crazier. They were on vacation together when they conceived. Even crazier…a third couple joined them on that vacation and also conceived- they are due 2 days after the first 2 couples. How insane is that?! 3 couples all conceiving on the same vacation and due within 2 days of each other.
Cute Zeus story: Throughout my pregnancy, Zeus has acted like he knows I’m pregnant- and that he’s very happy about it and can’t wait to meet his new playmate. He just does these little things like sniffing my belly regularly (to make sure she’s still in there?). So the other day, Dave and I are lying on the couch watching TV when Sweet Pea starts moving a lot. Zeus was across the room, lying down, but looking around. As soon as I (very subtly- by no means some huge gesture) moved Dave’s hand onto my belly to feel baby’s movements, Zeus got up and came right over. First he started licking Dave’s hand on my belly (I think he was trying to get him to move his hand either so he could feel the baby or because he thought he was protecting the baby)- when Dave didn’t move his hand, Zeus sadly laid his head down on my lap and waited for Dave to finish. It was really fascinating. I swear some days it’s like Zeus is watching me like I’m a time bomb about to go into labor at any second. He’s very attentive to where I am and what I’m doing and I SWEAR he is already protective of Sweet Pea. And then there’s Jazzie…poor girl has no idea how much her world is going to change soon…it would be so much easier if she didn’t hate anyone under the age of 12. It doesn’t help that now that I’m off work, her new favorite sleeping spot is my lap. She gets up and follows me wherever I go so she can hop back onto my lap as soon as I sit or lie down again. After another 7 weeks of this, what are the odds that she’s going to be willing to share her “bed” with the baby? Oh, sibling rivalry, it's starts so early!
So all is going well and healthy, and all prayers are very much appreciated. Less than 50 days until we finally get to meet this little one- I can't wait!!!
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Hello Third Trimester!
We are officially 28 Weeks along now as of this morning! I really can’t believe how fast the last 10 weeks in particular have gone. I also can’t believe that our baby girl will be here in less than 3 months! Making it this far is huge for me on so many levels. With each passing day, I am becoming less fearful of the things that could go wrong and more excited in anticipation of Sweet Pea’s arrival. This particular week is significant to me for another reason. About 6 ½ years ago, my nephew was actually born at just 28 Weeks. He was just 2 pounds at birth and spent the first 2 months of his life in the NICU. Today, he is perfectly healthy and one of the sweetest, funniest little guys you’ll ever meet. I love him to death, and I find myself reflecting today on just what a miracle he is. He's actually coming down with my brother and SIL in a couple of weeks for a visit, and I am just super excited to see them.
Our baby girl (who is still without a name!) is definitely getting bigger, as evidenced by both my growing belly and the more pronounced movements coming from my belly. Last night in particular, she was moving like crazy- and I am thrilled that Dave was home and able to feel her with me. That’s definitely the most active she’s ever been at one given time, and it was a huge blessing for Daddy to get to feel his little gymnast J . Thankfully it’s still a pleasant experience to get to feel her, though many have warned me that as she gets bigger (she’s already around 2 ½ pounds and about 15 inches!), those movements might get a bit more uncomfortable. For now, I’m enjoying every little kick…though her aim at my bladder is a little TOO precise at times, lol.
The next few months should be an incredibly exciting time and will hopefully fly by. We have already signed up for childbirth classes, already registered with our hospital and picked a pediatrician, our crib arrived a few days ago and will be set up within a couple of weeks, and I’m down to my last month of work until after maternity leave. We’re even getting our plans set for when little one arrives, coordinating with family and friends on who’s visiting when. Everything is starting to fall into place, which means, um, I think there really might actually be a baby coming soon! Oh my goodness, oh my goodness...is it possible to ever truly be ready for your baby's arrival? Lol, I love her so much already, and I know I "know" what to do in taking care of a little one (it is my profession after all, lol), plus we've been moving towards this point for almost 5 years- BUT, oh Lordy, are we ready?!! Ready or not, she's a comin' soon...J
Our baby girl (who is still without a name!) is definitely getting bigger, as evidenced by both my growing belly and the more pronounced movements coming from my belly. Last night in particular, she was moving like crazy- and I am thrilled that Dave was home and able to feel her with me. That’s definitely the most active she’s ever been at one given time, and it was a huge blessing for Daddy to get to feel his little gymnast J . Thankfully it’s still a pleasant experience to get to feel her, though many have warned me that as she gets bigger (she’s already around 2 ½ pounds and about 15 inches!), those movements might get a bit more uncomfortable. For now, I’m enjoying every little kick…though her aim at my bladder is a little TOO precise at times, lol.
The next few months should be an incredibly exciting time and will hopefully fly by. We have already signed up for childbirth classes, already registered with our hospital and picked a pediatrician, our crib arrived a few days ago and will be set up within a couple of weeks, and I’m down to my last month of work until after maternity leave. We’re even getting our plans set for when little one arrives, coordinating with family and friends on who’s visiting when. Everything is starting to fall into place, which means, um, I think there really might actually be a baby coming soon! Oh my goodness, oh my goodness...is it possible to ever truly be ready for your baby's arrival? Lol, I love her so much already, and I know I "know" what to do in taking care of a little one (it is my profession after all, lol), plus we've been moving towards this point for almost 5 years- BUT, oh Lordy, are we ready?!! Ready or not, she's a comin' soon...J
Sunday, January 1, 2012
A Very Happy New Year!!!!!
Okay, so I’m WELL overdue for an update on our little Sweet Pea, so here we go!
Saturday, December 10th was a very exciting and pivotal day for us and our growing family. Not only was it my beautiful sister’s 25th birthday, but it also marked us reaching the 22 Week point of our pregnancy. This was very significant for us, as our first pregnancy with Angel lasted exactly 22 weeks. Mentally, passing this milestone was huge, and reality started to hit home that baby really is coming soon! Just to prove how healthy she is, Sweet Pea decided to let Dave feel her presence for the first time this day J . Although I feel her movement inside my belly regularly throughout the day, it’s rare even for me to be able to feel her from the outside of my belly. It was a great moment for Dave to feel her for the first time- I think it made things just a tad more real for him, lol.
We were extremely fortunate this year to have enough time off from work to travel up North for several days and visit with family over the holiday. It was our first Christmas trip back home since we moved away 4 years ago, and it was wonderful to see everyone. As expected, the trip was all about our baby girl and the ever-growing bump in front of me J . I have to say that the best part of the trip was the surprise baby shower thrown for us. It was so incredible to me that so many of our loved ones were able to make it the day before Christmas Eve! The ironic part is that I had had the thought months ago about having a shower while we were up there over Christmas since I don't know if I'll be able to come back again before baby is born, but I figured the holidays are just too hectic to throw an extra party in the mix, and just dismissed the idea. I was so wrong! We had a great turn-out, and I am so grateful for everyone who came and celebrated with us. The party was perfect; I couldn't ask for anything better. Super-secretly planned by my bestie Nanci, my sister Elizabeth, and Nanci’s mom Violet, it was held at Violet's house. It was simply beautiful. The Christmas décor, candles, and flowers created a classy setting, enhanced by pink and green “Sweet Pea” decorations. The food was amazing, with many of my favorites showing up on the menu, including Muddy Buddies and Wildfire restaurant’s Chopped Salad. Head chef for the evening was Violet’s husband Ken, who delighted us all with a great variety that included steak sandwiches and a chocolate chip cookie dessert that was to die for. YUM!!! After food, everyone literally “showered” us with gifts for our little one. I am still overwhelmed, grateful, and just feeling incredibly blessed for everyone’s generosity in helping us prepare for our Sweet Pea’s arrival. It was quite amusing to see how well Dave puzzle-pieced Sweet Pea's gifts into the trunk of our car J. Although not everything made it down in one trip, he did a pretty great job getting most of it in! I can’t say “Thank You” enough to everyone who joined us for the shower, for everyone who gave us gifts for our baby girl, and for all of the hard work, time, and effort put into planning such a memorable evening for us. I love you all SO much! The best part is knowing that Sweet Pea is already loved by so many J .
So today is New Year’s Day, which is super exciting in and of itself! Of course, this year will be extremely exciting and busy for us with our little one preparing to make her arrival. Speaking of “our little one,” “our baby girl,” “our Sweet Pea”…um, we don’t have a name yet, lol. Granted, this is still plenty of time left to make a decision, but, well, we haven’t agreed on ANY names yet. Apparently we have completely different ideas of good names for our daughter! I am totally up for any suggestions, lol. Last night while we celebrated New Year’s Eve with some friends from Dave’s work, it became quite the discussion as to what we should name our baby girl. I would just like to point out that most women that hear the names I like completely agree with me, LOL. But of course, we want a name we both like, so the search continues! Suggestions are great- keep them coming!
As always, thank you for your continued thoughts and prayers throughout our pregnancy that our baby girl will be full-term and healthy with a complication-free pregnancy J . Happy and Healthy New Year’s wishes to all!!! J
Saturday, December 10th was a very exciting and pivotal day for us and our growing family. Not only was it my beautiful sister’s 25th birthday, but it also marked us reaching the 22 Week point of our pregnancy. This was very significant for us, as our first pregnancy with Angel lasted exactly 22 weeks. Mentally, passing this milestone was huge, and reality started to hit home that baby really is coming soon! Just to prove how healthy she is, Sweet Pea decided to let Dave feel her presence for the first time this day J . Although I feel her movement inside my belly regularly throughout the day, it’s rare even for me to be able to feel her from the outside of my belly. It was a great moment for Dave to feel her for the first time- I think it made things just a tad more real for him, lol.
We were extremely fortunate this year to have enough time off from work to travel up North for several days and visit with family over the holiday. It was our first Christmas trip back home since we moved away 4 years ago, and it was wonderful to see everyone. As expected, the trip was all about our baby girl and the ever-growing bump in front of me J . I have to say that the best part of the trip was the surprise baby shower thrown for us. It was so incredible to me that so many of our loved ones were able to make it the day before Christmas Eve! The ironic part is that I had had the thought months ago about having a shower while we were up there over Christmas since I don't know if I'll be able to come back again before baby is born, but I figured the holidays are just too hectic to throw an extra party in the mix, and just dismissed the idea. I was so wrong! We had a great turn-out, and I am so grateful for everyone who came and celebrated with us. The party was perfect; I couldn't ask for anything better. Super-secretly planned by my bestie Nanci, my sister Elizabeth, and Nanci’s mom Violet, it was held at Violet's house. It was simply beautiful. The Christmas décor, candles, and flowers created a classy setting, enhanced by pink and green “Sweet Pea” decorations. The food was amazing, with many of my favorites showing up on the menu, including Muddy Buddies and Wildfire restaurant’s Chopped Salad. Head chef for the evening was Violet’s husband Ken, who delighted us all with a great variety that included steak sandwiches and a chocolate chip cookie dessert that was to die for. YUM!!! After food, everyone literally “showered” us with gifts for our little one. I am still overwhelmed, grateful, and just feeling incredibly blessed for everyone’s generosity in helping us prepare for our Sweet Pea’s arrival. It was quite amusing to see how well Dave puzzle-pieced Sweet Pea's gifts into the trunk of our car J. Although not everything made it down in one trip, he did a pretty great job getting most of it in! I can’t say “Thank You” enough to everyone who joined us for the shower, for everyone who gave us gifts for our baby girl, and for all of the hard work, time, and effort put into planning such a memorable evening for us. I love you all SO much! The best part is knowing that Sweet Pea is already loved by so many J .
So today is New Year’s Day, which is super exciting in and of itself! Of course, this year will be extremely exciting and busy for us with our little one preparing to make her arrival. Speaking of “our little one,” “our baby girl,” “our Sweet Pea”…um, we don’t have a name yet, lol. Granted, this is still plenty of time left to make a decision, but, well, we haven’t agreed on ANY names yet. Apparently we have completely different ideas of good names for our daughter! I am totally up for any suggestions, lol. Last night while we celebrated New Year’s Eve with some friends from Dave’s work, it became quite the discussion as to what we should name our baby girl. I would just like to point out that most women that hear the names I like completely agree with me, LOL. But of course, we want a name we both like, so the search continues! Suggestions are great- keep them coming!
As always, thank you for your continued thoughts and prayers throughout our pregnancy that our baby girl will be full-term and healthy with a complication-free pregnancy J . Happy and Healthy New Year’s wishes to all!!! J
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Awesome Article on "How to Talk to Little Girls"
I actually first saw this posted on FB, but I wanted to put it on here so I make sure to re-read it in the future. This article is from The Huffington Post and was written by Lisa Bloom. I completely agree with what she's talking about it, and now that I know I'm having a girl, I want to make that conscious mental switch to be careful what words I say to little girls (not just my daughter)- and to think about what message I'm sending them. I know this kind of wordage is something I have certainly been guilty of in the past- it's so hard not to! Anywho, here's the article...
I went to a dinner party at a friend's home last weekend, and met her five-year-old daughter for the first time.
Little Maya was all curly brown hair, doe-like dark eyes, and adorable in her shiny pink nightgown. I wanted to squeal, "Maya, you're so cute! Look at you! Turn around and model that pretty ruffled gown, you gorgeous thing!"
But I didn't. I squelched myself. As I always bite my tongue when I meet little girls, restraining myself from my first impulse, which is to tell them how darn cute/ pretty/ beautiful/ well-dressed/ well-manicured/ well-coiffed they are.
What's wrong with that? It's our culture's standard talking-to-little-girls icebreaker, isn't it? And why not give them a sincere compliment to boost their self-esteem? Because they are so darling I just want to burst when I meet them, honestly.
Hold that thought for just a moment.
This week ABC News reported that nearly half of all three- to six-year-old girls worry about being fat. In my book, Think: Straight Talk for Women to Stay Smart in a Dumbed-Down World, I reveal that 15 to 18 percent of girls under 12 now wear mascara, eyeliner and lipstick regularly; eating disorders are up and self-esteem is down; and 25 percent of young American women would rather win America's Next Top Model than the Nobel Peace Prize. Even bright, successful college women say they'd rather be hot than smart. A Miami mom just died from cosmetic surgery, leaving behind two teenagers. This keeps happening, and it breaks my heart.
Teaching girls that their appearance is the first thing you notice tells them that looks are more important than anything. It sets them up for dieting at age 5 and foundation at age 11 and boob jobs at 17 and Botox at 23. As our cultural imperative for girls to be hot 24/7 has become the new normal, American women have become increasingly unhappy. What's missing? A life of meaning, a life of ideas and reading books and being valued for our thoughts and accomplishments.
That's why I force myself to talk to little girls as follows.
"Maya," I said, crouching down at her level, looking into her eyes, "very nice to meet you."
"Nice to meet you too," she said, in that trained, polite, talking-to-adults good girl voice.
"Hey, what are you reading?" I asked, a twinkle in my eyes. I love books. I'm nuts for them. I let that show.
Her eyes got bigger, and the practiced, polite facial expression gave way to genuine excitement over this topic. She paused, though, a little shy of me, a stranger.
"I LOVE books," I said. "Do you?"
Most kids do.
"YES," she said. "And I can read them all by myself now!"
"Wow, amazing!" I said. And it is, for a five-year-old. You go on with your bad self, Maya.
"What's your favorite book?" I asked.
"I'll go get it! Can I read it to you?"
Purplicious was Maya's pick and a new one to me, as Maya snuggled next to me on the sofa and proudly read aloud every word, about our heroine who loves pink but is tormented by a group of girls at school who only wear black. Alas, it was about girls and what they wore, and how their wardrobe choices defined their identities. But after Maya closed the final page, I steered the conversation to the deeper issues in the book: mean girls and peer pressure and not going along with the group. I told her my favorite color in the world is green, because I love nature, and she was down with that.
Not once did we discuss clothes or hair or bodies or who was pretty. It's surprising how hard it is to stay away from those topics with little girls, but I'm stubborn.
I told her that I'd just written a book, and that I hoped she'd write one too one day. She was fairly psyched about that idea. We were both sad when Maya had to go to bed, but I told her next time to choose another book and we'd read it and talk about it. Oops. That got her too amped up to sleep, and she came down from her bedroom a few times, all jazzed up.
So, one tiny bit of opposition to a culture that sends all the wrong messages to our girls. One tiny nudge towards valuing female brains. One brief moment of intentional role modeling. Will my few minutes with Maya change our multibillion dollar beauty industry, reality shows that demean women, our celebrity-manic culture? No. But I did change Maya's perspective for at least that evening.
Try this the next time you meet a little girl. She may be surprised and unsure at first, because few ask her about her mind, but be patient and stick with it. Ask her what she's reading. What does she like and dislike, and why? There are no wrong answers. You're just generating an intelligent conversation that respects her brain. For older girls, ask her about current events issues: pollution, wars, school budgets slashed. What bothers her out there in the world? How would she fix it if she had a magic wand? You may get some intriguing answers. Tell her about your ideas and accomplishments and your favorite books. Model for her what a thinking woman says and does.
I went to a dinner party at a friend's home last weekend, and met her five-year-old daughter for the first time.
Little Maya was all curly brown hair, doe-like dark eyes, and adorable in her shiny pink nightgown. I wanted to squeal, "Maya, you're so cute! Look at you! Turn around and model that pretty ruffled gown, you gorgeous thing!"
But I didn't. I squelched myself. As I always bite my tongue when I meet little girls, restraining myself from my first impulse, which is to tell them how darn cute/ pretty/ beautiful/ well-dressed/ well-manicured/ well-coiffed they are.
What's wrong with that? It's our culture's standard talking-to-little-girls icebreaker, isn't it? And why not give them a sincere compliment to boost their self-esteem? Because they are so darling I just want to burst when I meet them, honestly.
Hold that thought for just a moment.
This week ABC News reported that nearly half of all three- to six-year-old girls worry about being fat. In my book, Think: Straight Talk for Women to Stay Smart in a Dumbed-Down World, I reveal that 15 to 18 percent of girls under 12 now wear mascara, eyeliner and lipstick regularly; eating disorders are up and self-esteem is down; and 25 percent of young American women would rather win America's Next Top Model than the Nobel Peace Prize. Even bright, successful college women say they'd rather be hot than smart. A Miami mom just died from cosmetic surgery, leaving behind two teenagers. This keeps happening, and it breaks my heart.
Teaching girls that their appearance is the first thing you notice tells them that looks are more important than anything. It sets them up for dieting at age 5 and foundation at age 11 and boob jobs at 17 and Botox at 23. As our cultural imperative for girls to be hot 24/7 has become the new normal, American women have become increasingly unhappy. What's missing? A life of meaning, a life of ideas and reading books and being valued for our thoughts and accomplishments.
That's why I force myself to talk to little girls as follows.
"Maya," I said, crouching down at her level, looking into her eyes, "very nice to meet you."
"Nice to meet you too," she said, in that trained, polite, talking-to-adults good girl voice.
"Hey, what are you reading?" I asked, a twinkle in my eyes. I love books. I'm nuts for them. I let that show.
Her eyes got bigger, and the practiced, polite facial expression gave way to genuine excitement over this topic. She paused, though, a little shy of me, a stranger.
"I LOVE books," I said. "Do you?"
Most kids do.
"YES," she said. "And I can read them all by myself now!"
"Wow, amazing!" I said. And it is, for a five-year-old. You go on with your bad self, Maya.
"What's your favorite book?" I asked.
"I'll go get it! Can I read it to you?"
Purplicious was Maya's pick and a new one to me, as Maya snuggled next to me on the sofa and proudly read aloud every word, about our heroine who loves pink but is tormented by a group of girls at school who only wear black. Alas, it was about girls and what they wore, and how their wardrobe choices defined their identities. But after Maya closed the final page, I steered the conversation to the deeper issues in the book: mean girls and peer pressure and not going along with the group. I told her my favorite color in the world is green, because I love nature, and she was down with that.
Not once did we discuss clothes or hair or bodies or who was pretty. It's surprising how hard it is to stay away from those topics with little girls, but I'm stubborn.
I told her that I'd just written a book, and that I hoped she'd write one too one day. She was fairly psyched about that idea. We were both sad when Maya had to go to bed, but I told her next time to choose another book and we'd read it and talk about it. Oops. That got her too amped up to sleep, and she came down from her bedroom a few times, all jazzed up.
So, one tiny bit of opposition to a culture that sends all the wrong messages to our girls. One tiny nudge towards valuing female brains. One brief moment of intentional role modeling. Will my few minutes with Maya change our multibillion dollar beauty industry, reality shows that demean women, our celebrity-manic culture? No. But I did change Maya's perspective for at least that evening.
Try this the next time you meet a little girl. She may be surprised and unsure at first, because few ask her about her mind, but be patient and stick with it. Ask her what she's reading. What does she like and dislike, and why? There are no wrong answers. You're just generating an intelligent conversation that respects her brain. For older girls, ask her about current events issues: pollution, wars, school budgets slashed. What bothers her out there in the world? How would she fix it if she had a magic wand? You may get some intriguing answers. Tell her about your ideas and accomplishments and your favorite books. Model for her what a thinking woman says and does.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
It’s a Girl!!!!!!!
I can’t believe today finally came and that the outcome was so positive. I have been anticipating/dreading/looking forward to this day since the plus sign showed up on the pregnancy test 4 months ago. Today was the day when finally found out if our little one was growing healthy. With our first pregnancy with Angel, it was at this pivotal moment in his pregnancy that we learned he would not survive, so you can imagine how hard it was NOT to have fear of what today’s outcome might be. But it couldn’t have gone better. Baby was moving like crazy, showing off for us all. The ultrasound tech’s words: “You’re gonna be chasing this child all over the place,” LOL. Out little Sweet Pea is weighing in at almost a pound already and is measuring just right for this 20-week mark. And baby decided to cooperate and let us know that she is a she! Dave and I were so convinced she was a boy, we were both pretty shocked- but extremely excited about our growing daughter. I, of course, immediately started crying. It’s no secret how badly I wanted a daughter, but I didn’t want to get my hopes up because a healthy baby was so much more important than gender. But now I know that I am carrying my daughter in my belly…Daughter- how crazy is that?!! I have to say, this has made everything so much more real- she’s healthy, she’s growing, she’s moving- she’s, um going to be here in just a few months! Oh lordy, I need to get ready, lol. First things first, time to shout it to the world! That’s right, sometime in the next day or two, we will actually be Facebook official! LOL. If it were up to Dave, we’d have announced on FB awhile ago, but I just needed today to go well first. And it so did- in the words of our doctor, “Baby is perfect.” Love it. Love her. Love my husband for making me a momma, and I cannot wait to see him holding our baby girl. Lots of love to everyone and thank you so much for your continued thoughts, prayers, and well-wishes! *Hugs*
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Feeling Happy :)
Feeling increasingly GOOD, physically and mentally! Physically, the nausea really only shows up at the very end of the day now, and I just go straight to bed so it nips it in the bud. Plus, I now have a raging appetite which is a nice change from hating all food, lol. Mentally, I have had 2 great things happen that are making me feel positive about this pregnancy. #1 My 18-wk appt yesterday went really well- the nurse found the baby’s heartbeat immediately and it is still strong at 152 bpm. Then the doctor showed me how to feel the top of my uterus just below my belly button- very cool. Even cooler- my sister, who was in town for a long weekend and attended the appt with me, was also able to hear baby’s heartbeat and feel where the baby is in my tummy. Good times! Next appt will be the big ultrasound, so stay tuned in a couple of weeks for an update! And #2 great thing that has happened…I can feel baby moving J . It’s every once in awhile, not even daily, but seriously the coolest thing I’ve ever felt. I can’t help but smile every time it happens- so amazing, such a miracle going on in my body! It’ll be really incredible when baby is big enough that Dave can feel him moving as well.
So a major hurdle (for me) is over with- creating our baby registries. Whew! Thank God I had Elizabeth and Tiffeny there to help me- these girls got me through it when I wanted to go all crazy pregnant woman in the store. Let’s just say that I don’t enjoy shopping in general, and when I have to spend 3 hours in a store making decisions like which pacifier out of 20 options do I think my baby will like best, I basically wanted to pull my hair out. But we survived, and the registries are up at both Target and Babies R Us. Whew!!!!!
I would like to wish everyone a very blessed and happy Thankgiving. I am feeling especially blessed this year, and I hope everyone has an enjoyable holiday with people they love J .
So a major hurdle (for me) is over with- creating our baby registries. Whew! Thank God I had Elizabeth and Tiffeny there to help me- these girls got me through it when I wanted to go all crazy pregnant woman in the store. Let’s just say that I don’t enjoy shopping in general, and when I have to spend 3 hours in a store making decisions like which pacifier out of 20 options do I think my baby will like best, I basically wanted to pull my hair out. But we survived, and the registries are up at both Target and Babies R Us. Whew!!!!!
I would like to wish everyone a very blessed and happy Thankgiving. I am feeling especially blessed this year, and I hope everyone has an enjoyable holiday with people they love J .
Sunday, November 13, 2011
17 Weeks and Counting!
Each Saturday morning, I wake up excited to mark a new week in my pregnancy. This Saturday, we officially made it to 17 weeks. At this point, our little one is about the size of an onion (last week was an avocado…gotta love the fruit/veggie comparisons!). He (I’m about 95% sure it’s a boy, lol) can hear sounds now, which is just amazing. I am not yet feeling him move, but I don’t really expect to for a few more weeks still. It’s amazing how much growth and development has already happened in just the past 4 months- our little one already has fingernails, hair throughout his body, and is starting to accumulate fat around his body. He’s kicking his legs and stretching his arms and looks, well, like a baby! Just really, really tiny J .
Part of my journey through this pregnancy is maintaining a lot of faith and hope that our little one is healthy and that at the end of this pregnancy, we will become parents for the first time. At times, I do find myself becoming anxious as the fear and worry begins to creep in. To help me have some peace of mind, I ordered a home Doppler to listen to baby’s heartbeat. It arrived last week, and although it’s not easy to find since he‘s still so little, I have been able to hear his heartbeat at home on a couple of occasions. It’s definitely reassuring for me, though I am trying not to listen too much. It is tempting to listen daily, but I will probably only listen once every week or two, whenever I feel overly stressed. I can’t let it become an obsession, which would be easy to do! The next month or so should be really exciting as everything becomes more "real." Over the next month and a half, we will be creating a baby registry, finding out if we are having a boy or girl (um, basically confirming that it's a boy, lol), start feeling the baby move, and getting to see much of our family with the holiday season. The next 6 weeks should be a pretty incredible time!
Part of my journey through this pregnancy is maintaining a lot of faith and hope that our little one is healthy and that at the end of this pregnancy, we will become parents for the first time. At times, I do find myself becoming anxious as the fear and worry begins to creep in. To help me have some peace of mind, I ordered a home Doppler to listen to baby’s heartbeat. It arrived last week, and although it’s not easy to find since he‘s still so little, I have been able to hear his heartbeat at home on a couple of occasions. It’s definitely reassuring for me, though I am trying not to listen too much. It is tempting to listen daily, but I will probably only listen once every week or two, whenever I feel overly stressed. I can’t let it become an obsession, which would be easy to do! The next month or so should be really exciting as everything becomes more "real." Over the next month and a half, we will be creating a baby registry, finding out if we are having a boy or girl (um, basically confirming that it's a boy, lol), start feeling the baby move, and getting to see much of our family with the holiday season. The next 6 weeks should be a pretty incredible time!
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Egyptian Flu!!!
We’re pregnant!!! I heard someone joke that they had the Egyptian Flu as a fun way to announce their pregnancy (Google it J ), so I couldn’t resist borrowing the term. We are 15 ½ weeks along, and finally shared the news with family and friends last weekend. It was important to us to make sure we were far enough along and that everything was healthy before sharing, which thankfully everyone seems to understand. Trust me, it's been so hard not to tell people! Allow me to catch y'all up...here’s a summary of my pregnancy so far…
We found out we were pregnant very early, at just 3 ½ weeks along, on August 10th. You might notice that I actually posted a few days before then, feeling sad that I thought AF had come. It turns out that what I thought was AF was actually implantation bleeding (sorry if TMI!). When a couple more days went by and the spotting stopped, I knew I was pregnant. That, and the fact that my ladies were getting sore (again, sorry if TMI, lol), made it so clear to me, I didn’t even need the test- I knew I was pregnant. To be honest, I knew the week before, which is why I was so upset when the first test I took was negative. Turns out I had just tested too early the first time. Anywho, I took the second PG test first thing in the morning that Wednesday and sure enough, it was positive. I took it more to convince Dave, lol. He was still home, so I just smiled and handed him the test. We were both happy, but cautious from the beginning. We decided to just take it day by day, and would be grateful for this baby however long we had with him/her. We had some scary moments over the next few weeks, as I had some spotting issues up until almost 10 weeks. On more than one occasion I thought we were losing the baby. Definitely scary, and it has wound up limiting my activity level significantly. It’s hard because there is no reason the doctors could see for the spotting, so they said it's probably just because the cervix is very sensitive. Thankfully, I have a very understanding doctor, and he’s already let me have 4 ultrasounds. The last one was done at 10 weeks, 5 days and everything at that point looked healthy. I specifically asked about some of the issues Angel had had (which would have showed up on that last ultrasound), and those issues are not present with this baby. And our little one has had a strong heartbeat from the get-go, which is definitely a good sign. I got to hear the heartbeat from the Doppler for the first time a week ago, and that was definitely cool. I’m not feeling any movement yet, which is not a surprise as many women don’t feel the baby until closer to 18-20 weeks, if not later. I never felt Angel kick, so I am definitely looking forward to that milestone.
As far as how I’ve felt this pregnancy physically, it has been rough- no sugar-coating it! My “morning sickness” (aka “all day sickness”) started once I was 6 weeks along and is still with me. I am finally getting some relief during the earlier part of the day, but like clock-work, come 4pm through the rest of the night, I’m crazy nauseous. I tried some medication for a few weeks, but it caused more issues without eliminating the nausea, so I stopped that. I guess the one positive from not wanting to eat (food is kind of the enemy right now- strong aversions) is that I haven’t gained weight yet. For women who start their pregnancy fluffy like me, that isn’t a concern. Of course, I am making sure to take my vitamin daily and get as much nutritionally-sound food in my system as I can, so no worries- baby is definitely getting the needed nourishment J . It’s weird though, I still don’t FEEL pregnant. Yes, I have the symptoms- fatigue, nausea, ladies that won’t stop growing, superpower-strength sense of smell, ligament pain from time to time- but I haven’t made that mental connection yet that I’m going to have a baby. I think that when we find out the baby’s gender (around Christmas), that will help a lot because I’ll be able to think in terms of my son or daughter. But I bet it won’t be until I feel baby really moving that it’ll all be real. Or maybe when I start showing, which I’m definitely not yet. That’s not to say I’m not wearing maternity clothes already- they’re so comfy! Lol.
While I am obviously so excited to be expecting again, the fear of loss is always there. I know that once we make it to the 20-week anatomy ultrasound that I will have more peace of mind. Until then, I’m just doing my best to stay positive, hopeful, and to limit my stress level. Now that our news is out, I’ll try and update my blog more frequently. Thank you everyone for your thoughts and prayers during this exciting, terrifying, and wonderful time!
We found out we were pregnant very early, at just 3 ½ weeks along, on August 10th. You might notice that I actually posted a few days before then, feeling sad that I thought AF had come. It turns out that what I thought was AF was actually implantation bleeding (sorry if TMI!). When a couple more days went by and the spotting stopped, I knew I was pregnant. That, and the fact that my ladies were getting sore (again, sorry if TMI, lol), made it so clear to me, I didn’t even need the test- I knew I was pregnant. To be honest, I knew the week before, which is why I was so upset when the first test I took was negative. Turns out I had just tested too early the first time. Anywho, I took the second PG test first thing in the morning that Wednesday and sure enough, it was positive. I took it more to convince Dave, lol. He was still home, so I just smiled and handed him the test. We were both happy, but cautious from the beginning. We decided to just take it day by day, and would be grateful for this baby however long we had with him/her. We had some scary moments over the next few weeks, as I had some spotting issues up until almost 10 weeks. On more than one occasion I thought we were losing the baby. Definitely scary, and it has wound up limiting my activity level significantly. It’s hard because there is no reason the doctors could see for the spotting, so they said it's probably just because the cervix is very sensitive. Thankfully, I have a very understanding doctor, and he’s already let me have 4 ultrasounds. The last one was done at 10 weeks, 5 days and everything at that point looked healthy. I specifically asked about some of the issues Angel had had (which would have showed up on that last ultrasound), and those issues are not present with this baby. And our little one has had a strong heartbeat from the get-go, which is definitely a good sign. I got to hear the heartbeat from the Doppler for the first time a week ago, and that was definitely cool. I’m not feeling any movement yet, which is not a surprise as many women don’t feel the baby until closer to 18-20 weeks, if not later. I never felt Angel kick, so I am definitely looking forward to that milestone.
As far as how I’ve felt this pregnancy physically, it has been rough- no sugar-coating it! My “morning sickness” (aka “all day sickness”) started once I was 6 weeks along and is still with me. I am finally getting some relief during the earlier part of the day, but like clock-work, come 4pm through the rest of the night, I’m crazy nauseous. I tried some medication for a few weeks, but it caused more issues without eliminating the nausea, so I stopped that. I guess the one positive from not wanting to eat (food is kind of the enemy right now- strong aversions) is that I haven’t gained weight yet. For women who start their pregnancy fluffy like me, that isn’t a concern. Of course, I am making sure to take my vitamin daily and get as much nutritionally-sound food in my system as I can, so no worries- baby is definitely getting the needed nourishment J . It’s weird though, I still don’t FEEL pregnant. Yes, I have the symptoms- fatigue, nausea, ladies that won’t stop growing, superpower-strength sense of smell, ligament pain from time to time- but I haven’t made that mental connection yet that I’m going to have a baby. I think that when we find out the baby’s gender (around Christmas), that will help a lot because I’ll be able to think in terms of my son or daughter. But I bet it won’t be until I feel baby really moving that it’ll all be real. Or maybe when I start showing, which I’m definitely not yet. That’s not to say I’m not wearing maternity clothes already- they’re so comfy! Lol.
While I am obviously so excited to be expecting again, the fear of loss is always there. I know that once we make it to the 20-week anatomy ultrasound that I will have more peace of mind. Until then, I’m just doing my best to stay positive, hopeful, and to limit my stress level. Now that our news is out, I’ll try and update my blog more frequently. Thank you everyone for your thoughts and prayers during this exciting, terrifying, and wonderful time!
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
A Month of Anniversaries
At the beginning of this month on October 2nd, my parents celebrated 35 years of marriage. Last Friday, October 14th, Dave and I celebrated 7 years of marriage and 11 years of love together. Yesterday, we recognized 1 year since we lost our little Punkin, our second pregnancy. And on the 25th of this month, we will remember 5 years since we found out we were expecting Angel. So many anniversaries this month, some wonderful and some very painful. I was thinking this morning about the post I made last year on my wedding anniversary, a post devoted to my amazing partner in life, Dave. At the time of that post, we were still pregnant with Punkin, and I found myself reflecting on the bumps in the road up until that point in our life together- and how we overcame them and became stronger because of them. It’s interesting to see how the last year wound up playing out, as clearly God felt there was even more adversity we needed to face. In the last year alone, we lost Punkin, found out I needed surgery to remove a “cyst,” found out I needed a second surgery and removal of an ovary because the “cyst” was actually a tumor, had a scare with one of our fur babies, went through job loss, and have dealt with incredibly difficult work schedules that have Dave working 7 days a week, over 75 hours a week, and conflicting schedules that often allow us to see each other only twice, maybe 3 times a week for a couple of hours at a time. That’s a pretty heavy year. But through it all, we have increasingly become stronger in our support of one another and in our love for each other, and that is so amazing to me. I think of the people in my life whose relationships have not been as tested as ours, and I admit that at times I am jealous of how seemingly easy they have had it. Not to say that it isn't a challenge to make a marriage work without adversity, but it’s easy for me to fantasize about a life where there wouldn't have been pregnancy loss, where better financial decisions would have been made, and where there would be no significant health issues to face. But when I allow myself to really think about it, the truth is that every single difficult thing we have had to face and that we have been able to overcome has created this strength that makes me feel like we can conquer the world if we have to. And I find myself feeling grateful and blessed that God has tested us so greatly, making us so strong. There is a song by Christian artist Laura Story called “Blessings,” and it captures this message so well. Here is the chorus from that song:
Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are
Your mercies in disguise
Come what may, difficult as it may be, I think we’re ready. Thanks for listening and God Bless. J
Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are
Your mercies in disguise
Come what may, difficult as it may be, I think we’re ready. Thanks for listening and God Bless. J
Thursday, September 15, 2011
As the Journey Continues
I have been feeling very reflective over the last few weeks, about everything in the past 5 years that has brought us to this point. I’m finding myself hopeful that our journey will have a happy ending with a third pregnancy. It actually surprises me to feel this way because, truth be told, I can be somewhat pessimistic at times (I know, shocking! lol). Having gone through what Dave and I have gone through in trying to have a family, it’s very hard NOT to be pessimistic about all of it- the TTC, the losses, the sheer amount of time it takes. So it feels really good to finally be feeling positive and hopeful about where God will lead us next, and how the third pregnancy may play out. Whether it takes another few months or another few years to finally have a healthy little one, I strongly feel that it is meant to happen for us. So, moving forward, I’m just focusing on remaining as stress-free as possible and staying optimistic that God will bring us our healthy little one soon enough. And hopefully in time for my baby sister’s wedding a year from now J .
Monday, August 8, 2011
Moving Forward with a New Perspective
This Fall, it will be 5 years since we first started our journey to become parents. While we took a significant break of time between our pregnancy with Angel and our pregnancy with Punkin, everything that happened in the middle- especially moving 600 miles away from all we’d ever known- was part of our overall journey towards creating a life for our future family. We are now entering the 4th month of TTC our third pregnancy. It’s so easy to get incredibly discouraged and depressed when I think of the past 5 years and all the pain we’ve gone through trying to achieve a dream that often seems unattainable. But after spending all of yesterday in such mental darkness after getting a negative result on a PG test (and yes, AF has officially arrived), I woke up this morning with a new perspective.
It is so important for my future children that I not lose sight of the bigger picture: that this is a journey (hence the title of the blog, lol). And like any journey, there will be obstacles and unexpected deviations along the way. Eventually, at some point in the future, Dave and I will have a family. We have no idea how long it will take to get there; we have no idea what additional obstacles we will face. It could take us a year of trying before we get PG for a third time. We could get PG again and lose another pregnancy. Or several. We may find ourselves seeking the assistance of fertility experts. I may have a recurrence in my other ovary that necessitates its removal as well.
But all of these things, as hard as they would be to face, would not prevent us from becoming parents. This is what I realized this morning. See, if our life plays out in such a way that we cannot have our own biological children, then we were not meant to. I firmly believe everything happens for a reason, and if it is not God’s will for us to have our own children, it’s because he has another child for us to love. Now, I would be lying if I said I don’t still hope with all my heart that we will have our own healthy child one day; after all it has been my greatest dream since I was 4 years old and my mom brought my baby sister (MY baby, lol) home from the hospital. But I have to recognize that it will not be the end of the world if that is not God’s plan. He knows what He’s doing, and I have to remember to have faith in Him. Of course, it would make things SO much easier if He’d give me a LITTLE hint about what’s to come so I don‘t have to sit around wondering, lol. Seriously though, I do think it’s the unknown that is so difficult- the wondering if it will ever happen for us. But for my future children’s sake, for Dave’s sake, and for MY sake, I have to move forward with faith, hope, and courage for whatever the future might bring.
So no longer will I give in to the stress cycle of: how many days pass ovulation I am…how many days until AF should be here…maybe I should test today…when would I be due if I was PG right now…hey, that felt like a PG symptom…it’s just too much. So I’m turning it all over to God from this point on, and I have decided to just sit back and enjoy and, more importantly, APPRECIATE the journey.
It is so important for my future children that I not lose sight of the bigger picture: that this is a journey (hence the title of the blog, lol). And like any journey, there will be obstacles and unexpected deviations along the way. Eventually, at some point in the future, Dave and I will have a family. We have no idea how long it will take to get there; we have no idea what additional obstacles we will face. It could take us a year of trying before we get PG for a third time. We could get PG again and lose another pregnancy. Or several. We may find ourselves seeking the assistance of fertility experts. I may have a recurrence in my other ovary that necessitates its removal as well.
But all of these things, as hard as they would be to face, would not prevent us from becoming parents. This is what I realized this morning. See, if our life plays out in such a way that we cannot have our own biological children, then we were not meant to. I firmly believe everything happens for a reason, and if it is not God’s will for us to have our own children, it’s because he has another child for us to love. Now, I would be lying if I said I don’t still hope with all my heart that we will have our own healthy child one day; after all it has been my greatest dream since I was 4 years old and my mom brought my baby sister (MY baby, lol) home from the hospital. But I have to recognize that it will not be the end of the world if that is not God’s plan. He knows what He’s doing, and I have to remember to have faith in Him. Of course, it would make things SO much easier if He’d give me a LITTLE hint about what’s to come so I don‘t have to sit around wondering, lol. Seriously though, I do think it’s the unknown that is so difficult- the wondering if it will ever happen for us. But for my future children’s sake, for Dave’s sake, and for MY sake, I have to move forward with faith, hope, and courage for whatever the future might bring.
So no longer will I give in to the stress cycle of: how many days pass ovulation I am…how many days until AF should be here…maybe I should test today…when would I be due if I was PG right now…hey, that felt like a PG symptom…it’s just too much. So I’m turning it all over to God from this point on, and I have decided to just sit back and enjoy and, more importantly, APPRECIATE the journey.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Put Your Scapels Down, It's Time to Get PG!
It’s game-on in the TTC front! All surgeries have been completed, no more getting put to sleep, no more excuses, it's officially time to, um, oh lordy it's time to make a miracle! Jimminie Crickets, I feel like I'm flying without a net. Our first two trips down this road landed us in the completely wrong direction- twice. So, um, here we go- we're throwing caution to the wind, holding on tight, because who KNOWS what's gonna happen next! Anyone else as excitedy nervous as I am? Tee hee...I'm thinking triplets...LOL
Honestly, it does feels good to not be staring at the calendar, counting down the days until we could start trying again. Unfortunately, with the arrival of AF today after our first month back TTC, I’m definitely feeling a bit disappointed. I was really hoping that after all we’ve been through, this 3rd pregnancy would happen quickly. But I know that stressing about it is quite counter-productive, so I shant dwell on it. Is that a word? Shant? As in “shouldn’t/can’t”? If not, it totally should be.
I actually did a really good job this month about not stressing about whether or not we could be PG again yet. Of course, with that whole wisdom teeth surgery that I’d been putting off for 13 years thrown in the mix, there was definitely some stressing out going on. That coupled with the post-family visit depression that always comes from vacationing up North (it’s always SO wonderful to be back “home” until it’s time to come back HOME- not that I‘d miss it for the world!) made this last month a bit heavy on the stress side. So this next month’s plan of attack is NOT to attack…to relax, get in some workouts, and focus on my new hobby of couponing (pronounced: coop in eeng…cause ya gotta love coopins!J).
Oh, and here’s my theory…the first time we tried to get PG, we got PG the first month. The second time, we got PG the second month. So…this third time trying (see where I’m going with this?J), I'm thinking the third month should do it. Here’s the kicker though: we actually tried a couple of months ago “for the fun of it” (apparently we were feeling like risk-takers that month since the timing would have been BAD if we’d actually conceived). So...does that mean we’re on Round 3 for this third pregnancy? Or is it consecutive months of TTC that count, meaning we‘re on Round 2? Hmm…here’s hoping for the former…J
Love y'all! Think baby thoughts J
Honestly, it does feels good to not be staring at the calendar, counting down the days until we could start trying again. Unfortunately, with the arrival of AF today after our first month back TTC, I’m definitely feeling a bit disappointed. I was really hoping that after all we’ve been through, this 3rd pregnancy would happen quickly. But I know that stressing about it is quite counter-productive, so I shant dwell on it. Is that a word? Shant? As in “shouldn’t/can’t”? If not, it totally should be.
I actually did a really good job this month about not stressing about whether or not we could be PG again yet. Of course, with that whole wisdom teeth surgery that I’d been putting off for 13 years thrown in the mix, there was definitely some stressing out going on. That coupled with the post-family visit depression that always comes from vacationing up North (it’s always SO wonderful to be back “home” until it’s time to come back HOME- not that I‘d miss it for the world!) made this last month a bit heavy on the stress side. So this next month’s plan of attack is NOT to attack…to relax, get in some workouts, and focus on my new hobby of couponing (pronounced: coop in eeng…cause ya gotta love coopins!J).
Oh, and here’s my theory…the first time we tried to get PG, we got PG the first month. The second time, we got PG the second month. So…this third time trying (see where I’m going with this?J), I'm thinking the third month should do it. Here’s the kicker though: we actually tried a couple of months ago “for the fun of it” (apparently we were feeling like risk-takers that month since the timing would have been BAD if we’d actually conceived). So...does that mean we’re on Round 3 for this third pregnancy? Or is it consecutive months of TTC that count, meaning we‘re on Round 2? Hmm…here’s hoping for the former…J
Love y'all! Think baby thoughts J
Saturday, June 11, 2011
The Miracle of Punkin
As I sit here for the first time since October to update my journey, I am finding it poignant that had my pregnancy with Punkin been a healthy one, I would be delivering around now. To say God had other plans for little Punkin is a great understatement, but more about that later. I’ll try and make the long story of the last 9 months as short as possible.
My doctor had me come in for an ultrasound following my miscarriage in October, to make sure there were no complications. During the ultrasound, the tech commented on a cyst on my ovary, wondering how long I’d had it. I explained I didn’t even know I had one, as I’d never had a cyst before. In talking with my doctor, he said it was probably nothing to worry about- that cysts are very common and grow and shrink with our cycles. My main concern at that point was just wanting to know when I could get pregnant again, which he said should be fine to do after one healthy cycle. As a follow-up, I asked what the next step with the cyst was. He said we might as well check it again in a month to see if it would shrink, which he suspected it would (indicating it was nothing to worry about). So I came back a month later, but there was no change in the cyst. After further evaluation, it was diagnosed as a dermoid cyst, which would unfortunately have to be surgically removed because it can cause issues. That was very difficult to hear because we were about to start trying again, and now would have to postpone TTC for about 3 more months. I scheduled the surgery for the first week of January, and spent the holidays depressed over being no closer to having a baby and being terrified of having my first surgery ever.
The surgery to remove the cyst was done laparoscopically, which is a minimally invasive method that only left 2 little scars on my tummy. It wasn’t as bad as I was expecting, and I had no issues with the anesthesia (which was my biggest fear). The best part was finding out afterwards that they didn’t need to remove the ovary itself, which was a big fear going into it. So…the surgery was on a Wednesday. That Friday, I got a call from my doctor’s nurse telling me he wanted to see me first thing Monday morning. This was weird because I had a follow-up appt already scheduled with him for the following week. I tried not to worry too much, as I tend to assume the worst in situations. Come Monday morning, we braved an historical Southern snowstorm to make it to the doctor’s office (my wonderful husband came with me). When the doctor walked in the exam room, I was expecting him to just do the follow-up exam, but instead he wanted to discuss some lab results with me. It turned out that the mass on my ovary was not a cyst; it was a tumor. I was shocked. He talked briefly about how my prognosis seemed good, how we caught it so early, how lucky I was because ovarian cancer is often caught too late for treatment to be effective (because symptoms don‘t show up until it‘s spread), how surgery would probably be all that was needed to heal me (probably no chemo or radiation), and how he had a great oncologist who would take good care of me. My first thought? “So THAT’s why I lost the pregnancy.” (I’ll explain more later). After that, all I could think was cancer, cancer, cancer. Walking back out into the waiting area to my nervous husband, I couldn’t talk yet because I knew I’d lose it. So I just held his hand and we made it to the parking lot before I broke down and told him. He was so wonderful and supportive, and we both instantly realized that little Punkin was our messenger from God to let me know that this potentially life-threatening thing was inside me.
So, fast-forwarding through some boring details, I saw my oncologist, had my first CT scan, got some blood work, scheduled another surgery for mid-February, and did more research on the tumor. I had a “borderline tumor,” which is considered malignant. However, after the results came back from the second surgery (which was a more involved procedure leading to a more difficult recovery and an additional 5 scars on my poor tummy)- during which they removed my left ovary and sample tissue from various areas to check for spreading- it was determined that it did not spread beyond the tumor itself. Even better news was that my right ovary was very healthy, and did not need to be removed (this was a possibility going in to the surgery). The best news was when I was talking to my oncologist during my post-op, and I flat out asked her if what I had had was actually cancer, and said no. She said that had the tumor been left alone, it had the “potential to become cancerous.” It was not benign, but not cancer- hence the term Borderline Tumor. The bad part is that there is a slight chance of recurrence in the other ovary, so at some point I will need to have a full hysterectomy (taking out everything is the only way to eliminate the risk of recurrence). My oncologist actually flat-out said that if I didn’t plan on ever getting pregnant, they would have done the hysterectomy now. She would like me to get my pregnancies out of the way as fast as possible so we can do the surgery in the next few years, and in the meantime I’ll get regular ultrasounds to make sure there are no new tumors.
So, per doctor’s orders, it’s time again to jump on the TTC roller coaster! Except for that other surgery I need to have…the one I have been putting off for about 13 years now…having my wisdom teeth out, lol. Yep- 3rd surgery this year. I bet my health insurance LOVES me, lol. SO, that will be in a couple of weeks. After that, we’ll be free to get PG again. Which explains why I have been stressing out like no other. Aside from another cancer-like diagnosis, I don’t know if anything is more terrifying that the prospect of getting PG again. Losing Angel is something I will never fully get over, and although Punkin saved my life, the loss of the pregnancy was completely devastating. Yet here we are, once again poised to jump into the abyss of the unknown. Will we finally get a healthy pregnancy? I want so badly to enter this third leap of faith with optimism, but it is SO hard. But I do believe that everything happens for a reason. Having witnessed God’s miracles through Punkin, it’s hard to believe anything else. That’s probably the most incredible thing that has come out of all I’ve been through over the last 9 months- what a true miracle it is that the tumor was caught so early. For the timing to be just perfect enough that it was visible, but early enough that it hadn’t spread. Think about it- if I had not gotten PG with Punkin, there would have been no need to have an ultrasound. No ultrasound means the tumor goes undiscovered, allowing it to grow and become cancerous, spreading and not only threatening my fertility but my life. Had the pregnancy been a viable one, they would have gone on assuming it was a cyst as originally thought, and thus left alone and allowed to grow and potentially spread- OR if it was correctly diagnosed, I would have potentially had to face the decision of having to terminate the pregnancy to save my own life by having surgery. So the only way it could have played out to ensure my health and my fertility was as it did. The tremendous blessing God sent me by way of my brief pregnancy with Punkin literally saved my life. And knowing that He is looking out for me, I am ready to take this leap of faith and try again. Who knows what will happen next, or how long it will take to happen- but come what may, I’m ready. I think J .
My doctor had me come in for an ultrasound following my miscarriage in October, to make sure there were no complications. During the ultrasound, the tech commented on a cyst on my ovary, wondering how long I’d had it. I explained I didn’t even know I had one, as I’d never had a cyst before. In talking with my doctor, he said it was probably nothing to worry about- that cysts are very common and grow and shrink with our cycles. My main concern at that point was just wanting to know when I could get pregnant again, which he said should be fine to do after one healthy cycle. As a follow-up, I asked what the next step with the cyst was. He said we might as well check it again in a month to see if it would shrink, which he suspected it would (indicating it was nothing to worry about). So I came back a month later, but there was no change in the cyst. After further evaluation, it was diagnosed as a dermoid cyst, which would unfortunately have to be surgically removed because it can cause issues. That was very difficult to hear because we were about to start trying again, and now would have to postpone TTC for about 3 more months. I scheduled the surgery for the first week of January, and spent the holidays depressed over being no closer to having a baby and being terrified of having my first surgery ever.
The surgery to remove the cyst was done laparoscopically, which is a minimally invasive method that only left 2 little scars on my tummy. It wasn’t as bad as I was expecting, and I had no issues with the anesthesia (which was my biggest fear). The best part was finding out afterwards that they didn’t need to remove the ovary itself, which was a big fear going into it. So…the surgery was on a Wednesday. That Friday, I got a call from my doctor’s nurse telling me he wanted to see me first thing Monday morning. This was weird because I had a follow-up appt already scheduled with him for the following week. I tried not to worry too much, as I tend to assume the worst in situations. Come Monday morning, we braved an historical Southern snowstorm to make it to the doctor’s office (my wonderful husband came with me). When the doctor walked in the exam room, I was expecting him to just do the follow-up exam, but instead he wanted to discuss some lab results with me. It turned out that the mass on my ovary was not a cyst; it was a tumor. I was shocked. He talked briefly about how my prognosis seemed good, how we caught it so early, how lucky I was because ovarian cancer is often caught too late for treatment to be effective (because symptoms don‘t show up until it‘s spread), how surgery would probably be all that was needed to heal me (probably no chemo or radiation), and how he had a great oncologist who would take good care of me. My first thought? “So THAT’s why I lost the pregnancy.” (I’ll explain more later). After that, all I could think was cancer, cancer, cancer. Walking back out into the waiting area to my nervous husband, I couldn’t talk yet because I knew I’d lose it. So I just held his hand and we made it to the parking lot before I broke down and told him. He was so wonderful and supportive, and we both instantly realized that little Punkin was our messenger from God to let me know that this potentially life-threatening thing was inside me.
So, fast-forwarding through some boring details, I saw my oncologist, had my first CT scan, got some blood work, scheduled another surgery for mid-February, and did more research on the tumor. I had a “borderline tumor,” which is considered malignant. However, after the results came back from the second surgery (which was a more involved procedure leading to a more difficult recovery and an additional 5 scars on my poor tummy)- during which they removed my left ovary and sample tissue from various areas to check for spreading- it was determined that it did not spread beyond the tumor itself. Even better news was that my right ovary was very healthy, and did not need to be removed (this was a possibility going in to the surgery). The best news was when I was talking to my oncologist during my post-op, and I flat out asked her if what I had had was actually cancer, and said no. She said that had the tumor been left alone, it had the “potential to become cancerous.” It was not benign, but not cancer- hence the term Borderline Tumor. The bad part is that there is a slight chance of recurrence in the other ovary, so at some point I will need to have a full hysterectomy (taking out everything is the only way to eliminate the risk of recurrence). My oncologist actually flat-out said that if I didn’t plan on ever getting pregnant, they would have done the hysterectomy now. She would like me to get my pregnancies out of the way as fast as possible so we can do the surgery in the next few years, and in the meantime I’ll get regular ultrasounds to make sure there are no new tumors.
So, per doctor’s orders, it’s time again to jump on the TTC roller coaster! Except for that other surgery I need to have…the one I have been putting off for about 13 years now…having my wisdom teeth out, lol. Yep- 3rd surgery this year. I bet my health insurance LOVES me, lol. SO, that will be in a couple of weeks. After that, we’ll be free to get PG again. Which explains why I have been stressing out like no other. Aside from another cancer-like diagnosis, I don’t know if anything is more terrifying that the prospect of getting PG again. Losing Angel is something I will never fully get over, and although Punkin saved my life, the loss of the pregnancy was completely devastating. Yet here we are, once again poised to jump into the abyss of the unknown. Will we finally get a healthy pregnancy? I want so badly to enter this third leap of faith with optimism, but it is SO hard. But I do believe that everything happens for a reason. Having witnessed God’s miracles through Punkin, it’s hard to believe anything else. That’s probably the most incredible thing that has come out of all I’ve been through over the last 9 months- what a true miracle it is that the tumor was caught so early. For the timing to be just perfect enough that it was visible, but early enough that it hadn’t spread. Think about it- if I had not gotten PG with Punkin, there would have been no need to have an ultrasound. No ultrasound means the tumor goes undiscovered, allowing it to grow and become cancerous, spreading and not only threatening my fertility but my life. Had the pregnancy been a viable one, they would have gone on assuming it was a cyst as originally thought, and thus left alone and allowed to grow and potentially spread- OR if it was correctly diagnosed, I would have potentially had to face the decision of having to terminate the pregnancy to save my own life by having surgery. So the only way it could have played out to ensure my health and my fertility was as it did. The tremendous blessing God sent me by way of my brief pregnancy with Punkin literally saved my life. And knowing that He is looking out for me, I am ready to take this leap of faith and try again. Who knows what will happen next, or how long it will take to happen- but come what may, I’m ready. I think J .
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Broken-Hearted. Again.
I am struggling to find the right words to share what I’m going through right now. When you experience a loss in pregnancy, you lose your hope along with your baby. It took us so long after losing Angel to get to the point of being brave enough to try again for a child, and now here we are again, having lost this second pregnancy this past Sunday. Our loss this time was certainly different from our first pregnancy: we were only 5 wks along instead of 22 wks, we never heard a heartbeat, and we will never know if little Punkin was a boy or girl. But even though the pregnancy was alive to us only for a week this time, that week was full of the hopes and dreams of what the future had in store for us and our family. And as the days progress and the remaining traces of pregnancy leave my body, I feel my hopes and dreams leaving too. I keep wanting to rewind time somehow and go back to last Saturday, when all was well and I was happily pregnant. Back to planning how to tell people this Christmas, to share my baby shower with loved ones during my week off in March, and to welcome our son or daughter in June. But this will not play out as we hoped, prayed, or planned for. For whatever reason, God has other plans for us. And of course, there comes the inevitable shouting out “Why?!”
We will probably never know physically why we miscarried, and we’ll probably never know why this was in God’s plan. But just as when we lost Angel, I HAVE to believe that there is a greater purpose in all of this- some reason we have had to go through this- otherwise, I‘ll just drown in the grief. I try to tell myself that it is better that it happened this way, so early in the pregnancy and especially before hearing a heartbeat. I try to tell myself that God was saving us from having to go through the same thing as with Angel- finding out so far into the pregnancy that we’d lost him. I try to tell myself that the Lord knows what He is doing, and this was not the child we were supposed to care for, love, and parent. But we DID love our baby and we didn't want a different baby- we wanted THIS one. I do recognize just how much worse this could have been; after all, I haven’t lost my ability to have children. But when you go through what Dave and I have been through, you can’t help but wonder if it will EVER happen for you. Although the doctors don’t see the two pregnancy losses as linked in any way, what if they are- and Dave and I just aren’t able to create healthy children? What if there is something wrong with my fertility that is causing these defects? What if this is just the beginning of years of problems and treatments that may never end in us carrying and delivering a healthy child? I know in my heart that Dave and I are meant to be parents; of that, I have no doubt. But I’m starting to wonder if we’re meant to have our own biological children. Sigh. I know this is probably mostly just the grief coming through; as the sadness and emptiness of the loss consumes you, it‘s almost impossible to imagine a hopeful future.
I distinctly remember being much younger and dreaming of the joy and excitement of one day starting a family. I envisioned how fun and natural and effortless it would be, how all it would take is simply making the decision to have a baby and poof- I’d be pregnant, have a baby, and live happily ever after. When you first start TTC, you take it for granted that there won’t be any problems or complications along the way- after all, this is what nature made us women for, right? And then reality comes knocking and suddenly, getting pregnant and carrying a healthy child to term seems like an impossibly miraculous dream. I’m sure it’s hard for people who have never lost a baby to empathize with what I‘m going through, and I will forever envy how ignorant they get to be of this pain. I would not wish this on my worst enemy. But for those of us who have experienced pregnancy loss- or even those who have had major struggles in getting pregnant- we will forever view pregnancy differently.
I feel very blessed to have a few special people in my life who have been there for me during this whole process and especially over the past few days, and I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for your love, support, prayers, phone calls, emails, hugs, tears, and especially for sharing this with me, because I know it’s been hard on you too. You lived it with me, felt the loss with me, and while I am so sorry that you are also suffering, it has meant the world to me to know that I was not alone in all of this.
I do intend to keep this blog going for as long as it takes to get a healthy little one, so I recognize that there will be some people reading this entry months after I’ve posted it, at a time where I’ll hopefully be well into a third/fourth/fifth pregnancy that is going along fully healthy. So for those of you reading this at a much later date, you may be shocked to read that we went through another loss- and maybe even upset that I didn’t tell you. I apologize if you feel hurt that I didn’t share my news of this pregnancy with you or if you feel upset that I didn’t reach out to you for support when we lost our second baby. Please understand that from the very beginning of TTC after losing Angel, the whole process has been so difficult for me that the fact that I shared any of this with someone other than Dave is surprising. However, I recognized that sharing this journey with a couple of women who have already been through it would give me the strength to face my fears of what could- and unfortunately, did- go wrong, in order to achieve my dream of becoming a Mom. I hope this makes sense, and I hope you can understand.
Per doctors orders, we need to take some time off of TTC to let my body get back to normal. I look forward to “talking” to you again in a few months when we hop back on the TTC train. Until then,
Love and Blessings,
Nicki
We will probably never know physically why we miscarried, and we’ll probably never know why this was in God’s plan. But just as when we lost Angel, I HAVE to believe that there is a greater purpose in all of this- some reason we have had to go through this- otherwise, I‘ll just drown in the grief. I try to tell myself that it is better that it happened this way, so early in the pregnancy and especially before hearing a heartbeat. I try to tell myself that God was saving us from having to go through the same thing as with Angel- finding out so far into the pregnancy that we’d lost him. I try to tell myself that the Lord knows what He is doing, and this was not the child we were supposed to care for, love, and parent. But we DID love our baby and we didn't want a different baby- we wanted THIS one. I do recognize just how much worse this could have been; after all, I haven’t lost my ability to have children. But when you go through what Dave and I have been through, you can’t help but wonder if it will EVER happen for you. Although the doctors don’t see the two pregnancy losses as linked in any way, what if they are- and Dave and I just aren’t able to create healthy children? What if there is something wrong with my fertility that is causing these defects? What if this is just the beginning of years of problems and treatments that may never end in us carrying and delivering a healthy child? I know in my heart that Dave and I are meant to be parents; of that, I have no doubt. But I’m starting to wonder if we’re meant to have our own biological children. Sigh. I know this is probably mostly just the grief coming through; as the sadness and emptiness of the loss consumes you, it‘s almost impossible to imagine a hopeful future.
I distinctly remember being much younger and dreaming of the joy and excitement of one day starting a family. I envisioned how fun and natural and effortless it would be, how all it would take is simply making the decision to have a baby and poof- I’d be pregnant, have a baby, and live happily ever after. When you first start TTC, you take it for granted that there won’t be any problems or complications along the way- after all, this is what nature made us women for, right? And then reality comes knocking and suddenly, getting pregnant and carrying a healthy child to term seems like an impossibly miraculous dream. I’m sure it’s hard for people who have never lost a baby to empathize with what I‘m going through, and I will forever envy how ignorant they get to be of this pain. I would not wish this on my worst enemy. But for those of us who have experienced pregnancy loss- or even those who have had major struggles in getting pregnant- we will forever view pregnancy differently.
I feel very blessed to have a few special people in my life who have been there for me during this whole process and especially over the past few days, and I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for your love, support, prayers, phone calls, emails, hugs, tears, and especially for sharing this with me, because I know it’s been hard on you too. You lived it with me, felt the loss with me, and while I am so sorry that you are also suffering, it has meant the world to me to know that I was not alone in all of this.
I do intend to keep this blog going for as long as it takes to get a healthy little one, so I recognize that there will be some people reading this entry months after I’ve posted it, at a time where I’ll hopefully be well into a third/fourth/fifth pregnancy that is going along fully healthy. So for those of you reading this at a much later date, you may be shocked to read that we went through another loss- and maybe even upset that I didn’t tell you. I apologize if you feel hurt that I didn’t share my news of this pregnancy with you or if you feel upset that I didn’t reach out to you for support when we lost our second baby. Please understand that from the very beginning of TTC after losing Angel, the whole process has been so difficult for me that the fact that I shared any of this with someone other than Dave is surprising. However, I recognized that sharing this journey with a couple of women who have already been through it would give me the strength to face my fears of what could- and unfortunately, did- go wrong, in order to achieve my dream of becoming a Mom. I hope this makes sense, and I hope you can understand.
Per doctors orders, we need to take some time off of TTC to let my body get back to normal. I look forward to “talking” to you again in a few months when we hop back on the TTC train. Until then,
Love and Blessings,
Nicki
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Celebrating Our 10-Year Anniversary :)
As Dave and I celebrate the last 10 years of love and friendship, I am overwhelmed with how in love with that man I am. We’ve been married for 6 years today, having gotten married on the 4-year anniversary of the day we started dating, and it has been an incredible journey already. Throughout our relationship, we’ve experienced some wonderful life events, including: graduations from technical school (Dave) and college (me), becoming “parents” by adopting 2 wonderful dogs, moving cross-country on our own, buying 2 homes, going through a couple of motorcycles and numerous cars, and welcoming loved ones into our family as our siblings and friends got married and had children. But it’s been those difficult life events that have truly defined our unbreakable love: losing my beloved grandfather, having the dream of owning and operating our own restaurant fall apart, living 600 miles away from everyone we know (forcing us to rely almost solely on each other), facing major financial crisis after the recession, and hardest of all, losing our baby Angel who was so deeply wanted. Any one of these devastating events would have been enough to test even the strongest marriage. But with each new obstacle, Dave and I found that the more our relationship was tested, the stronger our belief grew that we can conquer ANYthing God sends our way. I cannot imagine going through the journey of the last 10 years without Dave. He is my rock, my partner, my friend, and the father of our beloved Angel and our precious Punkin baby. I cannot express in words how blessed and grateful I feel that God brought Dave into my life. So, today, on our anniversary, as we prepare for this most exciting next chapter of our life together, I am finding myself more in love than ever before. Thank you, Mister, for letting me be an emotional wreck on a semi-regular basis, for all of the times you do the dishes without asking, for taking the dogs out at night when I’m too tired, for recognizing my need to babble about absolutely nothing interesting at the end of the day (just needing some adult interaction after hanging out with only kids all day), for loving me in spite of (and sometimes because of? J ) my faults, for reminding me of all of my good qualities, for being my partner every step of the way, for making me feel loved and treasured, for appreciating me, and for making me a Momma. I love you, Dave, and I always will. Forever and Ever, Amen J .
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
A 2-year-old's Insight
So I made my first doctor’s appt for Friday, October 22nd. Based on the day of my LP, the doctor will put me at 6 weeks 4 days at that point; however, based on my O date, I’ll actually be 5 weeks 6 days. My main goal at this appt is to get an u/s to give me some piece of mind that all is going well. With my first pregnancy, my first u/s was the 20 wk one, and I know there is no way I could wait that long this time. In fact, I’m hoping to have another earlier u/s around 14/15 wks to confirm that the baby is growing healthily, so that we can begin telling people at that time.
So, symptom-check time. I am still feeling very good- very happy and peaceful. I am definitely starting to feel the fatigue creeping in, and I have to remind myself to take it easy (like this Sunday when I tried to clean the whole house by myself…um, not such a good idea LOL). I’ve had some soreness in the BB area, but nothing too painful. I’m still cramping a bit, but I guess that’s to be expected as the little tadpole (that’s what she looks like right now!) settles in to her home. The nausea is started to show up more and more, though only for a short while each time. Food helps make it go away, as does rest. My peak nausea times right now are 3:30 in the afternoon and around 8:00 at night. It makes sense- these are the points in the day where I feel most fatigued. I am actually going to pick up one of those Sea-bands (nausea-relief bracelets) and see if it helps.
Alright, fun story time. Yesterday, I was playing outside with the kids I nanny for and we were drawing with chalk. I was drawing a baby (apparently I have babies on the brain, LOL), and I wanted to get some preschooler input on whether I’m having a boy or a girl. So I asked Parker if the baby I was drawing was a boy or girl. He put some real thought into it before saying “girl…no, boy….no, girl.” I asked him if maybe there should be two babies: a boy and a girl. He then said “they’re both girls!” LOL. So let it be shown here that if we are carrying twin girls, Parker said it first, lol. I do think that at some point in my life I will have twins; I just feel it. But I don’t feel that that is the case with this pregnancy. In fact, back on Sept 30th, I actually wrote down my prediction; I believed at that point that I was definitely pregnant and having a girl. So I’m sticking with that guess…for now J .
So, symptom-check time. I am still feeling very good- very happy and peaceful. I am definitely starting to feel the fatigue creeping in, and I have to remind myself to take it easy (like this Sunday when I tried to clean the whole house by myself…um, not such a good idea LOL). I’ve had some soreness in the BB area, but nothing too painful. I’m still cramping a bit, but I guess that’s to be expected as the little tadpole (that’s what she looks like right now!) settles in to her home. The nausea is started to show up more and more, though only for a short while each time. Food helps make it go away, as does rest. My peak nausea times right now are 3:30 in the afternoon and around 8:00 at night. It makes sense- these are the points in the day where I feel most fatigued. I am actually going to pick up one of those Sea-bands (nausea-relief bracelets) and see if it helps.
Alright, fun story time. Yesterday, I was playing outside with the kids I nanny for and we were drawing with chalk. I was drawing a baby (apparently I have babies on the brain, LOL), and I wanted to get some preschooler input on whether I’m having a boy or a girl. So I asked Parker if the baby I was drawing was a boy or girl. He put some real thought into it before saying “girl…no, boy….no, girl.” I asked him if maybe there should be two babies: a boy and a girl. He then said “they’re both girls!” LOL. So let it be shown here that if we are carrying twin girls, Parker said it first, lol. I do think that at some point in my life I will have twins; I just feel it. But I don’t feel that that is the case with this pregnancy. In fact, back on Sept 30th, I actually wrote down my prediction; I believed at that point that I was definitely pregnant and having a girl. So I’m sticking with that guess…for now J .
Sunday, October 10, 2010
PREGNANT!!!
Oh my Lord, I’m PREGNANT!!!
I cannot even begin to explain how excited I am that Dave and I are expecting again. From the moment we made the decision to start TTC, I knew September would be the month we’d conceive- I just KNEW it!!! (I love being right, LOL). I have felt all month long like this was our month, but still wondered if I was making up symptoms because I wanted it so bad. The timing just works out so well for so many reasons that we couldn’t have planned it better.
Okay, for the fun of it, let’s back up and examine the last several days. As of about Wednesday last week (11 DPO), I was feeling some pretty strong physical symptoms that made me think I definitely might be pregnant. But I really didn’t want to get my hopes up. But little things just made me think. For example, I normally don’t have a really strong sense of smell, but I have definitely been smelling anything and everything for the last week. Then, of course, there’s Zeus (my Akita/Husky) who has been giving me so much extra attention over the last week. He did the same thing throughout my first pregnancy- some animals just KNOW, and he’s one of them. And of course, there’s the few moments of queasiness that pop up here and there- and the raging hunger! This is a good phase: food is currently the most wonderful thing in the world; I know from experience that this doesn’t last long, so I’m enjoying it while it lasts!!!
Okay, back to the fun stuff. Come Friday night last week, I was going back and forth on whether or not to test in the morning since I‘d be 14 DPO. Well, after believing all month that this was the month, I was all of the sudden completely psyching myself out, making me not want to test- ever. I had a very rough night emotionally, became very depressed and all of the sudden started feeling like not only weren’t we pregnant right now, but that we never ever going to be. Just a TAD dramatic, huh? Lol. Actually, that severe of an emotional breakdown made me that much more convinced that AF would be showing any minute, because that’s how I get right before it comes. So I cried myself to sleep, fully expecting to see AF in the morning. Well, morning came and I woke up feeling very calm and emotionally together (literally night and day from 12 hours earlier, lol). I decided to test, just in case. I didn’t know what I “felt” anymore as far as whether or not I was pregnant, but I figured I might as well go for it. I set the test on the counter and woke up Dave. Wonderful, supportive husband and father-to-be that he is, Dave wanted to be there for the test results. So after about 5 minutes, we went in to look at the test together. And, um, I couldn’t open my eyes for a good 10 seconds- I was just so afraid to know. When I finally did, the first thing I saw was a really dark vertical line. I thought to myself, well, that’s the control line (we used a test that shows a plus for pregnant). It took a moment to realize that it was the HORIZONTAL line that was the control line- that super dark vertical line meant we are pregnant!!!
Obviously, we were both thrilled. I think I said “Oh my God,” about 10 times and burst into tears. It was absolutely the greatest moment. There is just something about this pregnancy that feels right. I mean, I thought that our second pregnancy would be terrifying for me right from the get-go. And it’s possible that I may find myself super stressed at times, but from the moment I saw that BFP result, I have felt this overwhelming peace and joy- something I’m sad to say I never felt while carrying Angel. Perhaps it’s women’s (or Mother’s) intuition, but I had a bad feeling from the moment we found out we were expecting him; this time, there is only joy and excitement about what is to come. Since I do know that there are so many things that can go wrong with any pregnancy, I have made a conscience decision to live by the following throughout my pregnancy: “Today, I am still pregnant.” And while I hope that that remains true for another 8 months, I know that each day I have with this precious baby (babies?) is a gift from God.
I cannot even begin to explain how excited I am that Dave and I are expecting again. From the moment we made the decision to start TTC, I knew September would be the month we’d conceive- I just KNEW it!!! (I love being right, LOL). I have felt all month long like this was our month, but still wondered if I was making up symptoms because I wanted it so bad. The timing just works out so well for so many reasons that we couldn’t have planned it better.
Okay, for the fun of it, let’s back up and examine the last several days. As of about Wednesday last week (11 DPO), I was feeling some pretty strong physical symptoms that made me think I definitely might be pregnant. But I really didn’t want to get my hopes up. But little things just made me think. For example, I normally don’t have a really strong sense of smell, but I have definitely been smelling anything and everything for the last week. Then, of course, there’s Zeus (my Akita/Husky) who has been giving me so much extra attention over the last week. He did the same thing throughout my first pregnancy- some animals just KNOW, and he’s one of them. And of course, there’s the few moments of queasiness that pop up here and there- and the raging hunger! This is a good phase: food is currently the most wonderful thing in the world; I know from experience that this doesn’t last long, so I’m enjoying it while it lasts!!!
Okay, back to the fun stuff. Come Friday night last week, I was going back and forth on whether or not to test in the morning since I‘d be 14 DPO. Well, after believing all month that this was the month, I was all of the sudden completely psyching myself out, making me not want to test- ever. I had a very rough night emotionally, became very depressed and all of the sudden started feeling like not only weren’t we pregnant right now, but that we never ever going to be. Just a TAD dramatic, huh? Lol. Actually, that severe of an emotional breakdown made me that much more convinced that AF would be showing any minute, because that’s how I get right before it comes. So I cried myself to sleep, fully expecting to see AF in the morning. Well, morning came and I woke up feeling very calm and emotionally together (literally night and day from 12 hours earlier, lol). I decided to test, just in case. I didn’t know what I “felt” anymore as far as whether or not I was pregnant, but I figured I might as well go for it. I set the test on the counter and woke up Dave. Wonderful, supportive husband and father-to-be that he is, Dave wanted to be there for the test results. So after about 5 minutes, we went in to look at the test together. And, um, I couldn’t open my eyes for a good 10 seconds- I was just so afraid to know. When I finally did, the first thing I saw was a really dark vertical line. I thought to myself, well, that’s the control line (we used a test that shows a plus for pregnant). It took a moment to realize that it was the HORIZONTAL line that was the control line- that super dark vertical line meant we are pregnant!!!
Obviously, we were both thrilled. I think I said “Oh my God,” about 10 times and burst into tears. It was absolutely the greatest moment. There is just something about this pregnancy that feels right. I mean, I thought that our second pregnancy would be terrifying for me right from the get-go. And it’s possible that I may find myself super stressed at times, but from the moment I saw that BFP result, I have felt this overwhelming peace and joy- something I’m sad to say I never felt while carrying Angel. Perhaps it’s women’s (or Mother’s) intuition, but I had a bad feeling from the moment we found out we were expecting him; this time, there is only joy and excitement about what is to come. Since I do know that there are so many things that can go wrong with any pregnancy, I have made a conscience decision to live by the following throughout my pregnancy: “Today, I am still pregnant.” And while I hope that that remains true for another 8 months, I know that each day I have with this precious baby (babies?) is a gift from God.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Lord grant me the patience I need RIGHT NOW!!!
I’m 9 DPO and completely impatient and anxious about whether or not I‘m PG. Part of me wants the week to pass, like, NOW so I can test…but the other part of me is holding on to the fact that no AF yet and no BFN yet means there is still hope for this cycle. Once AF shows, that’s it- onto Cycle 3. Arrgh…I just don’t think I can take the stress of this month after month! Not that I have a choice, lol- it’s either deal with the stress or stop trying. And I know that it is absolutely normal for it to take 6 months to a year for even healthy couples to get PG (fingers crossed that we are healthy), but this is just ridiculously stressful!!! Okay, please forgive me, but I just need to take a minute and have a toddler tantrum: I don’t want to wait a whole other cycle! I wanna be pregnant RIGHT NOW! It’s not fair- other people have kids, I want one too!!! Okay, tantrum over, LOL J . I really don’t think I was ready last month, and God knew and that’s partly why we didn’t conceive. But I know that I am completely ready now to embrace a second pregnancy, come what may. So….bring it on! NOW!!! J .
So last month before AF came, I was having symptoms comparable to what I felt during my first PG: cramping, soreness/tingling in certain areas, etc. The symptoms made me think I was PG last cycle even though I didn’t “feel” it intuitively. These symptoms are rare for my cycles, but apparently it’s now the norm because I’ve been feeling them again since O day. It’s frustrating because I feel like I’m creating them in my mind because I want to be PG so bad. Of course, it’s entirely possible that these symptoms have always been there pre-Af, and I was just never paying any attention. Grrr…it’s so hard! Oh Lord, please let me be PG, please let me be PG, please let me be PG (I’m trying the Wizard of Oz 3x the charm theory, lol).
So last month before AF came, I was having symptoms comparable to what I felt during my first PG: cramping, soreness/tingling in certain areas, etc. The symptoms made me think I was PG last cycle even though I didn’t “feel” it intuitively. These symptoms are rare for my cycles, but apparently it’s now the norm because I’ve been feeling them again since O day. It’s frustrating because I feel like I’m creating them in my mind because I want to be PG so bad. Of course, it’s entirely possible that these symptoms have always been there pre-Af, and I was just never paying any attention. Grrr…it’s so hard! Oh Lord, please let me be PG, please let me be PG, please let me be PG (I’m trying the Wizard of Oz 3x the charm theory, lol).
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