At the beginning of this month on October 2nd, my parents celebrated 35 years of marriage. Last Friday, October 14th, Dave and I celebrated 7 years of marriage and 11 years of love together. Yesterday, we recognized 1 year since we lost our little Punkin, our second pregnancy. And on the 25th of this month, we will remember 5 years since we found out we were expecting Angel. So many anniversaries this month, some wonderful and some very painful. I was thinking this morning about the post I made last year on my wedding anniversary, a post devoted to my amazing partner in life, Dave. At the time of that post, we were still pregnant with Punkin, and I found myself reflecting on the bumps in the road up until that point in our life together- and how we overcame them and became stronger because of them. It’s interesting to see how the last year wound up playing out, as clearly God felt there was even more adversity we needed to face. In the last year alone, we lost Punkin, found out I needed surgery to remove a “cyst,” found out I needed a second surgery and removal of an ovary because the “cyst” was actually a tumor, had a scare with one of our fur babies, went through job loss, and have dealt with incredibly difficult work schedules that have Dave working 7 days a week, over 75 hours a week, and conflicting schedules that often allow us to see each other only twice, maybe 3 times a week for a couple of hours at a time. That’s a pretty heavy year. But through it all, we have increasingly become stronger in our support of one another and in our love for each other, and that is so amazing to me. I think of the people in my life whose relationships have not been as tested as ours, and I admit that at times I am jealous of how seemingly easy they have had it. Not to say that it isn't a challenge to make a marriage work without adversity, but it’s easy for me to fantasize about a life where there wouldn't have been pregnancy loss, where better financial decisions would have been made, and where there would be no significant health issues to face. But when I allow myself to really think about it, the truth is that every single difficult thing we have had to face and that we have been able to overcome has created this strength that makes me feel like we can conquer the world if we have to. And I find myself feeling grateful and blessed that God has tested us so greatly, making us so strong. There is a song by Christian artist Laura Story called “Blessings,” and it captures this message so well. Here is the chorus from that song:
Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are
Your mercies in disguise
Come what may, difficult as it may be, I think we’re ready. Thanks for listening and God Bless. J
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Thursday, September 15, 2011
As the Journey Continues
I have been feeling very reflective over the last few weeks, about everything in the past 5 years that has brought us to this point. I’m finding myself hopeful that our journey will have a happy ending with a third pregnancy. It actually surprises me to feel this way because, truth be told, I can be somewhat pessimistic at times (I know, shocking! lol). Having gone through what Dave and I have gone through in trying to have a family, it’s very hard NOT to be pessimistic about all of it- the TTC, the losses, the sheer amount of time it takes. So it feels really good to finally be feeling positive and hopeful about where God will lead us next, and how the third pregnancy may play out. Whether it takes another few months or another few years to finally have a healthy little one, I strongly feel that it is meant to happen for us. So, moving forward, I’m just focusing on remaining as stress-free as possible and staying optimistic that God will bring us our healthy little one soon enough. And hopefully in time for my baby sister’s wedding a year from now J .
Monday, August 8, 2011
Moving Forward with a New Perspective
This Fall, it will be 5 years since we first started our journey to become parents. While we took a significant break of time between our pregnancy with Angel and our pregnancy with Punkin, everything that happened in the middle- especially moving 600 miles away from all we’d ever known- was part of our overall journey towards creating a life for our future family. We are now entering the 4th month of TTC our third pregnancy. It’s so easy to get incredibly discouraged and depressed when I think of the past 5 years and all the pain we’ve gone through trying to achieve a dream that often seems unattainable. But after spending all of yesterday in such mental darkness after getting a negative result on a PG test (and yes, AF has officially arrived), I woke up this morning with a new perspective.
It is so important for my future children that I not lose sight of the bigger picture: that this is a journey (hence the title of the blog, lol). And like any journey, there will be obstacles and unexpected deviations along the way. Eventually, at some point in the future, Dave and I will have a family. We have no idea how long it will take to get there; we have no idea what additional obstacles we will face. It could take us a year of trying before we get PG for a third time. We could get PG again and lose another pregnancy. Or several. We may find ourselves seeking the assistance of fertility experts. I may have a recurrence in my other ovary that necessitates its removal as well.
But all of these things, as hard as they would be to face, would not prevent us from becoming parents. This is what I realized this morning. See, if our life plays out in such a way that we cannot have our own biological children, then we were not meant to. I firmly believe everything happens for a reason, and if it is not God’s will for us to have our own children, it’s because he has another child for us to love. Now, I would be lying if I said I don’t still hope with all my heart that we will have our own healthy child one day; after all it has been my greatest dream since I was 4 years old and my mom brought my baby sister (MY baby, lol) home from the hospital. But I have to recognize that it will not be the end of the world if that is not God’s plan. He knows what He’s doing, and I have to remember to have faith in Him. Of course, it would make things SO much easier if He’d give me a LITTLE hint about what’s to come so I don‘t have to sit around wondering, lol. Seriously though, I do think it’s the unknown that is so difficult- the wondering if it will ever happen for us. But for my future children’s sake, for Dave’s sake, and for MY sake, I have to move forward with faith, hope, and courage for whatever the future might bring.
So no longer will I give in to the stress cycle of: how many days pass ovulation I am…how many days until AF should be here…maybe I should test today…when would I be due if I was PG right now…hey, that felt like a PG symptom…it’s just too much. So I’m turning it all over to God from this point on, and I have decided to just sit back and enjoy and, more importantly, APPRECIATE the journey.
It is so important for my future children that I not lose sight of the bigger picture: that this is a journey (hence the title of the blog, lol). And like any journey, there will be obstacles and unexpected deviations along the way. Eventually, at some point in the future, Dave and I will have a family. We have no idea how long it will take to get there; we have no idea what additional obstacles we will face. It could take us a year of trying before we get PG for a third time. We could get PG again and lose another pregnancy. Or several. We may find ourselves seeking the assistance of fertility experts. I may have a recurrence in my other ovary that necessitates its removal as well.
But all of these things, as hard as they would be to face, would not prevent us from becoming parents. This is what I realized this morning. See, if our life plays out in such a way that we cannot have our own biological children, then we were not meant to. I firmly believe everything happens for a reason, and if it is not God’s will for us to have our own children, it’s because he has another child for us to love. Now, I would be lying if I said I don’t still hope with all my heart that we will have our own healthy child one day; after all it has been my greatest dream since I was 4 years old and my mom brought my baby sister (MY baby, lol) home from the hospital. But I have to recognize that it will not be the end of the world if that is not God’s plan. He knows what He’s doing, and I have to remember to have faith in Him. Of course, it would make things SO much easier if He’d give me a LITTLE hint about what’s to come so I don‘t have to sit around wondering, lol. Seriously though, I do think it’s the unknown that is so difficult- the wondering if it will ever happen for us. But for my future children’s sake, for Dave’s sake, and for MY sake, I have to move forward with faith, hope, and courage for whatever the future might bring.
So no longer will I give in to the stress cycle of: how many days pass ovulation I am…how many days until AF should be here…maybe I should test today…when would I be due if I was PG right now…hey, that felt like a PG symptom…it’s just too much. So I’m turning it all over to God from this point on, and I have decided to just sit back and enjoy and, more importantly, APPRECIATE the journey.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Put Your Scapels Down, It's Time to Get PG!
It’s game-on in the TTC front! All surgeries have been completed, no more getting put to sleep, no more excuses, it's officially time to, um, oh lordy it's time to make a miracle! Jimminie Crickets, I feel like I'm flying without a net. Our first two trips down this road landed us in the completely wrong direction- twice. So, um, here we go- we're throwing caution to the wind, holding on tight, because who KNOWS what's gonna happen next! Anyone else as excitedy nervous as I am? Tee hee...I'm thinking triplets...LOL
Honestly, it does feels good to not be staring at the calendar, counting down the days until we could start trying again. Unfortunately, with the arrival of AF today after our first month back TTC, I’m definitely feeling a bit disappointed. I was really hoping that after all we’ve been through, this 3rd pregnancy would happen quickly. But I know that stressing about it is quite counter-productive, so I shant dwell on it. Is that a word? Shant? As in “shouldn’t/can’t”? If not, it totally should be.
I actually did a really good job this month about not stressing about whether or not we could be PG again yet. Of course, with that whole wisdom teeth surgery that I’d been putting off for 13 years thrown in the mix, there was definitely some stressing out going on. That coupled with the post-family visit depression that always comes from vacationing up North (it’s always SO wonderful to be back “home” until it’s time to come back HOME- not that I‘d miss it for the world!) made this last month a bit heavy on the stress side. So this next month’s plan of attack is NOT to attack…to relax, get in some workouts, and focus on my new hobby of couponing (pronounced: coop in eeng…cause ya gotta love coopins!J).
Oh, and here’s my theory…the first time we tried to get PG, we got PG the first month. The second time, we got PG the second month. So…this third time trying (see where I’m going with this?J), I'm thinking the third month should do it. Here’s the kicker though: we actually tried a couple of months ago “for the fun of it” (apparently we were feeling like risk-takers that month since the timing would have been BAD if we’d actually conceived). So...does that mean we’re on Round 3 for this third pregnancy? Or is it consecutive months of TTC that count, meaning we‘re on Round 2? Hmm…here’s hoping for the former…J
Love y'all! Think baby thoughts J
Honestly, it does feels good to not be staring at the calendar, counting down the days until we could start trying again. Unfortunately, with the arrival of AF today after our first month back TTC, I’m definitely feeling a bit disappointed. I was really hoping that after all we’ve been through, this 3rd pregnancy would happen quickly. But I know that stressing about it is quite counter-productive, so I shant dwell on it. Is that a word? Shant? As in “shouldn’t/can’t”? If not, it totally should be.
I actually did a really good job this month about not stressing about whether or not we could be PG again yet. Of course, with that whole wisdom teeth surgery that I’d been putting off for 13 years thrown in the mix, there was definitely some stressing out going on. That coupled with the post-family visit depression that always comes from vacationing up North (it’s always SO wonderful to be back “home” until it’s time to come back HOME- not that I‘d miss it for the world!) made this last month a bit heavy on the stress side. So this next month’s plan of attack is NOT to attack…to relax, get in some workouts, and focus on my new hobby of couponing (pronounced: coop in eeng…cause ya gotta love coopins!J).
Oh, and here’s my theory…the first time we tried to get PG, we got PG the first month. The second time, we got PG the second month. So…this third time trying (see where I’m going with this?J), I'm thinking the third month should do it. Here’s the kicker though: we actually tried a couple of months ago “for the fun of it” (apparently we were feeling like risk-takers that month since the timing would have been BAD if we’d actually conceived). So...does that mean we’re on Round 3 for this third pregnancy? Or is it consecutive months of TTC that count, meaning we‘re on Round 2? Hmm…here’s hoping for the former…J
Love y'all! Think baby thoughts J
Saturday, June 11, 2011
The Miracle of Punkin
As I sit here for the first time since October to update my journey, I am finding it poignant that had my pregnancy with Punkin been a healthy one, I would be delivering around now. To say God had other plans for little Punkin is a great understatement, but more about that later. I’ll try and make the long story of the last 9 months as short as possible.
My doctor had me come in for an ultrasound following my miscarriage in October, to make sure there were no complications. During the ultrasound, the tech commented on a cyst on my ovary, wondering how long I’d had it. I explained I didn’t even know I had one, as I’d never had a cyst before. In talking with my doctor, he said it was probably nothing to worry about- that cysts are very common and grow and shrink with our cycles. My main concern at that point was just wanting to know when I could get pregnant again, which he said should be fine to do after one healthy cycle. As a follow-up, I asked what the next step with the cyst was. He said we might as well check it again in a month to see if it would shrink, which he suspected it would (indicating it was nothing to worry about). So I came back a month later, but there was no change in the cyst. After further evaluation, it was diagnosed as a dermoid cyst, which would unfortunately have to be surgically removed because it can cause issues. That was very difficult to hear because we were about to start trying again, and now would have to postpone TTC for about 3 more months. I scheduled the surgery for the first week of January, and spent the holidays depressed over being no closer to having a baby and being terrified of having my first surgery ever.
The surgery to remove the cyst was done laparoscopically, which is a minimally invasive method that only left 2 little scars on my tummy. It wasn’t as bad as I was expecting, and I had no issues with the anesthesia (which was my biggest fear). The best part was finding out afterwards that they didn’t need to remove the ovary itself, which was a big fear going into it. So…the surgery was on a Wednesday. That Friday, I got a call from my doctor’s nurse telling me he wanted to see me first thing Monday morning. This was weird because I had a follow-up appt already scheduled with him for the following week. I tried not to worry too much, as I tend to assume the worst in situations. Come Monday morning, we braved an historical Southern snowstorm to make it to the doctor’s office (my wonderful husband came with me). When the doctor walked in the exam room, I was expecting him to just do the follow-up exam, but instead he wanted to discuss some lab results with me. It turned out that the mass on my ovary was not a cyst; it was a tumor. I was shocked. He talked briefly about how my prognosis seemed good, how we caught it so early, how lucky I was because ovarian cancer is often caught too late for treatment to be effective (because symptoms don‘t show up until it‘s spread), how surgery would probably be all that was needed to heal me (probably no chemo or radiation), and how he had a great oncologist who would take good care of me. My first thought? “So THAT’s why I lost the pregnancy.” (I’ll explain more later). After that, all I could think was cancer, cancer, cancer. Walking back out into the waiting area to my nervous husband, I couldn’t talk yet because I knew I’d lose it. So I just held his hand and we made it to the parking lot before I broke down and told him. He was so wonderful and supportive, and we both instantly realized that little Punkin was our messenger from God to let me know that this potentially life-threatening thing was inside me.
So, fast-forwarding through some boring details, I saw my oncologist, had my first CT scan, got some blood work, scheduled another surgery for mid-February, and did more research on the tumor. I had a “borderline tumor,” which is considered malignant. However, after the results came back from the second surgery (which was a more involved procedure leading to a more difficult recovery and an additional 5 scars on my poor tummy)- during which they removed my left ovary and sample tissue from various areas to check for spreading- it was determined that it did not spread beyond the tumor itself. Even better news was that my right ovary was very healthy, and did not need to be removed (this was a possibility going in to the surgery). The best news was when I was talking to my oncologist during my post-op, and I flat out asked her if what I had had was actually cancer, and said no. She said that had the tumor been left alone, it had the “potential to become cancerous.” It was not benign, but not cancer- hence the term Borderline Tumor. The bad part is that there is a slight chance of recurrence in the other ovary, so at some point I will need to have a full hysterectomy (taking out everything is the only way to eliminate the risk of recurrence). My oncologist actually flat-out said that if I didn’t plan on ever getting pregnant, they would have done the hysterectomy now. She would like me to get my pregnancies out of the way as fast as possible so we can do the surgery in the next few years, and in the meantime I’ll get regular ultrasounds to make sure there are no new tumors.
So, per doctor’s orders, it’s time again to jump on the TTC roller coaster! Except for that other surgery I need to have…the one I have been putting off for about 13 years now…having my wisdom teeth out, lol. Yep- 3rd surgery this year. I bet my health insurance LOVES me, lol. SO, that will be in a couple of weeks. After that, we’ll be free to get PG again. Which explains why I have been stressing out like no other. Aside from another cancer-like diagnosis, I don’t know if anything is more terrifying that the prospect of getting PG again. Losing Angel is something I will never fully get over, and although Punkin saved my life, the loss of the pregnancy was completely devastating. Yet here we are, once again poised to jump into the abyss of the unknown. Will we finally get a healthy pregnancy? I want so badly to enter this third leap of faith with optimism, but it is SO hard. But I do believe that everything happens for a reason. Having witnessed God’s miracles through Punkin, it’s hard to believe anything else. That’s probably the most incredible thing that has come out of all I’ve been through over the last 9 months- what a true miracle it is that the tumor was caught so early. For the timing to be just perfect enough that it was visible, but early enough that it hadn’t spread. Think about it- if I had not gotten PG with Punkin, there would have been no need to have an ultrasound. No ultrasound means the tumor goes undiscovered, allowing it to grow and become cancerous, spreading and not only threatening my fertility but my life. Had the pregnancy been a viable one, they would have gone on assuming it was a cyst as originally thought, and thus left alone and allowed to grow and potentially spread- OR if it was correctly diagnosed, I would have potentially had to face the decision of having to terminate the pregnancy to save my own life by having surgery. So the only way it could have played out to ensure my health and my fertility was as it did. The tremendous blessing God sent me by way of my brief pregnancy with Punkin literally saved my life. And knowing that He is looking out for me, I am ready to take this leap of faith and try again. Who knows what will happen next, or how long it will take to happen- but come what may, I’m ready. I think J .
My doctor had me come in for an ultrasound following my miscarriage in October, to make sure there were no complications. During the ultrasound, the tech commented on a cyst on my ovary, wondering how long I’d had it. I explained I didn’t even know I had one, as I’d never had a cyst before. In talking with my doctor, he said it was probably nothing to worry about- that cysts are very common and grow and shrink with our cycles. My main concern at that point was just wanting to know when I could get pregnant again, which he said should be fine to do after one healthy cycle. As a follow-up, I asked what the next step with the cyst was. He said we might as well check it again in a month to see if it would shrink, which he suspected it would (indicating it was nothing to worry about). So I came back a month later, but there was no change in the cyst. After further evaluation, it was diagnosed as a dermoid cyst, which would unfortunately have to be surgically removed because it can cause issues. That was very difficult to hear because we were about to start trying again, and now would have to postpone TTC for about 3 more months. I scheduled the surgery for the first week of January, and spent the holidays depressed over being no closer to having a baby and being terrified of having my first surgery ever.
The surgery to remove the cyst was done laparoscopically, which is a minimally invasive method that only left 2 little scars on my tummy. It wasn’t as bad as I was expecting, and I had no issues with the anesthesia (which was my biggest fear). The best part was finding out afterwards that they didn’t need to remove the ovary itself, which was a big fear going into it. So…the surgery was on a Wednesday. That Friday, I got a call from my doctor’s nurse telling me he wanted to see me first thing Monday morning. This was weird because I had a follow-up appt already scheduled with him for the following week. I tried not to worry too much, as I tend to assume the worst in situations. Come Monday morning, we braved an historical Southern snowstorm to make it to the doctor’s office (my wonderful husband came with me). When the doctor walked in the exam room, I was expecting him to just do the follow-up exam, but instead he wanted to discuss some lab results with me. It turned out that the mass on my ovary was not a cyst; it was a tumor. I was shocked. He talked briefly about how my prognosis seemed good, how we caught it so early, how lucky I was because ovarian cancer is often caught too late for treatment to be effective (because symptoms don‘t show up until it‘s spread), how surgery would probably be all that was needed to heal me (probably no chemo or radiation), and how he had a great oncologist who would take good care of me. My first thought? “So THAT’s why I lost the pregnancy.” (I’ll explain more later). After that, all I could think was cancer, cancer, cancer. Walking back out into the waiting area to my nervous husband, I couldn’t talk yet because I knew I’d lose it. So I just held his hand and we made it to the parking lot before I broke down and told him. He was so wonderful and supportive, and we both instantly realized that little Punkin was our messenger from God to let me know that this potentially life-threatening thing was inside me.
So, fast-forwarding through some boring details, I saw my oncologist, had my first CT scan, got some blood work, scheduled another surgery for mid-February, and did more research on the tumor. I had a “borderline tumor,” which is considered malignant. However, after the results came back from the second surgery (which was a more involved procedure leading to a more difficult recovery and an additional 5 scars on my poor tummy)- during which they removed my left ovary and sample tissue from various areas to check for spreading- it was determined that it did not spread beyond the tumor itself. Even better news was that my right ovary was very healthy, and did not need to be removed (this was a possibility going in to the surgery). The best news was when I was talking to my oncologist during my post-op, and I flat out asked her if what I had had was actually cancer, and said no. She said that had the tumor been left alone, it had the “potential to become cancerous.” It was not benign, but not cancer- hence the term Borderline Tumor. The bad part is that there is a slight chance of recurrence in the other ovary, so at some point I will need to have a full hysterectomy (taking out everything is the only way to eliminate the risk of recurrence). My oncologist actually flat-out said that if I didn’t plan on ever getting pregnant, they would have done the hysterectomy now. She would like me to get my pregnancies out of the way as fast as possible so we can do the surgery in the next few years, and in the meantime I’ll get regular ultrasounds to make sure there are no new tumors.
So, per doctor’s orders, it’s time again to jump on the TTC roller coaster! Except for that other surgery I need to have…the one I have been putting off for about 13 years now…having my wisdom teeth out, lol. Yep- 3rd surgery this year. I bet my health insurance LOVES me, lol. SO, that will be in a couple of weeks. After that, we’ll be free to get PG again. Which explains why I have been stressing out like no other. Aside from another cancer-like diagnosis, I don’t know if anything is more terrifying that the prospect of getting PG again. Losing Angel is something I will never fully get over, and although Punkin saved my life, the loss of the pregnancy was completely devastating. Yet here we are, once again poised to jump into the abyss of the unknown. Will we finally get a healthy pregnancy? I want so badly to enter this third leap of faith with optimism, but it is SO hard. But I do believe that everything happens for a reason. Having witnessed God’s miracles through Punkin, it’s hard to believe anything else. That’s probably the most incredible thing that has come out of all I’ve been through over the last 9 months- what a true miracle it is that the tumor was caught so early. For the timing to be just perfect enough that it was visible, but early enough that it hadn’t spread. Think about it- if I had not gotten PG with Punkin, there would have been no need to have an ultrasound. No ultrasound means the tumor goes undiscovered, allowing it to grow and become cancerous, spreading and not only threatening my fertility but my life. Had the pregnancy been a viable one, they would have gone on assuming it was a cyst as originally thought, and thus left alone and allowed to grow and potentially spread- OR if it was correctly diagnosed, I would have potentially had to face the decision of having to terminate the pregnancy to save my own life by having surgery. So the only way it could have played out to ensure my health and my fertility was as it did. The tremendous blessing God sent me by way of my brief pregnancy with Punkin literally saved my life. And knowing that He is looking out for me, I am ready to take this leap of faith and try again. Who knows what will happen next, or how long it will take to happen- but come what may, I’m ready. I think J .
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Broken-Hearted. Again.
I am struggling to find the right words to share what I’m going through right now. When you experience a loss in pregnancy, you lose your hope along with your baby. It took us so long after losing Angel to get to the point of being brave enough to try again for a child, and now here we are again, having lost this second pregnancy this past Sunday. Our loss this time was certainly different from our first pregnancy: we were only 5 wks along instead of 22 wks, we never heard a heartbeat, and we will never know if little Punkin was a boy or girl. But even though the pregnancy was alive to us only for a week this time, that week was full of the hopes and dreams of what the future had in store for us and our family. And as the days progress and the remaining traces of pregnancy leave my body, I feel my hopes and dreams leaving too. I keep wanting to rewind time somehow and go back to last Saturday, when all was well and I was happily pregnant. Back to planning how to tell people this Christmas, to share my baby shower with loved ones during my week off in March, and to welcome our son or daughter in June. But this will not play out as we hoped, prayed, or planned for. For whatever reason, God has other plans for us. And of course, there comes the inevitable shouting out “Why?!”
We will probably never know physically why we miscarried, and we’ll probably never know why this was in God’s plan. But just as when we lost Angel, I HAVE to believe that there is a greater purpose in all of this- some reason we have had to go through this- otherwise, I‘ll just drown in the grief. I try to tell myself that it is better that it happened this way, so early in the pregnancy and especially before hearing a heartbeat. I try to tell myself that God was saving us from having to go through the same thing as with Angel- finding out so far into the pregnancy that we’d lost him. I try to tell myself that the Lord knows what He is doing, and this was not the child we were supposed to care for, love, and parent. But we DID love our baby and we didn't want a different baby- we wanted THIS one. I do recognize just how much worse this could have been; after all, I haven’t lost my ability to have children. But when you go through what Dave and I have been through, you can’t help but wonder if it will EVER happen for you. Although the doctors don’t see the two pregnancy losses as linked in any way, what if they are- and Dave and I just aren’t able to create healthy children? What if there is something wrong with my fertility that is causing these defects? What if this is just the beginning of years of problems and treatments that may never end in us carrying and delivering a healthy child? I know in my heart that Dave and I are meant to be parents; of that, I have no doubt. But I’m starting to wonder if we’re meant to have our own biological children. Sigh. I know this is probably mostly just the grief coming through; as the sadness and emptiness of the loss consumes you, it‘s almost impossible to imagine a hopeful future.
I distinctly remember being much younger and dreaming of the joy and excitement of one day starting a family. I envisioned how fun and natural and effortless it would be, how all it would take is simply making the decision to have a baby and poof- I’d be pregnant, have a baby, and live happily ever after. When you first start TTC, you take it for granted that there won’t be any problems or complications along the way- after all, this is what nature made us women for, right? And then reality comes knocking and suddenly, getting pregnant and carrying a healthy child to term seems like an impossibly miraculous dream. I’m sure it’s hard for people who have never lost a baby to empathize with what I‘m going through, and I will forever envy how ignorant they get to be of this pain. I would not wish this on my worst enemy. But for those of us who have experienced pregnancy loss- or even those who have had major struggles in getting pregnant- we will forever view pregnancy differently.
I feel very blessed to have a few special people in my life who have been there for me during this whole process and especially over the past few days, and I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for your love, support, prayers, phone calls, emails, hugs, tears, and especially for sharing this with me, because I know it’s been hard on you too. You lived it with me, felt the loss with me, and while I am so sorry that you are also suffering, it has meant the world to me to know that I was not alone in all of this.
I do intend to keep this blog going for as long as it takes to get a healthy little one, so I recognize that there will be some people reading this entry months after I’ve posted it, at a time where I’ll hopefully be well into a third/fourth/fifth pregnancy that is going along fully healthy. So for those of you reading this at a much later date, you may be shocked to read that we went through another loss- and maybe even upset that I didn’t tell you. I apologize if you feel hurt that I didn’t share my news of this pregnancy with you or if you feel upset that I didn’t reach out to you for support when we lost our second baby. Please understand that from the very beginning of TTC after losing Angel, the whole process has been so difficult for me that the fact that I shared any of this with someone other than Dave is surprising. However, I recognized that sharing this journey with a couple of women who have already been through it would give me the strength to face my fears of what could- and unfortunately, did- go wrong, in order to achieve my dream of becoming a Mom. I hope this makes sense, and I hope you can understand.
Per doctors orders, we need to take some time off of TTC to let my body get back to normal. I look forward to “talking” to you again in a few months when we hop back on the TTC train. Until then,
Love and Blessings,
Nicki
We will probably never know physically why we miscarried, and we’ll probably never know why this was in God’s plan. But just as when we lost Angel, I HAVE to believe that there is a greater purpose in all of this- some reason we have had to go through this- otherwise, I‘ll just drown in the grief. I try to tell myself that it is better that it happened this way, so early in the pregnancy and especially before hearing a heartbeat. I try to tell myself that God was saving us from having to go through the same thing as with Angel- finding out so far into the pregnancy that we’d lost him. I try to tell myself that the Lord knows what He is doing, and this was not the child we were supposed to care for, love, and parent. But we DID love our baby and we didn't want a different baby- we wanted THIS one. I do recognize just how much worse this could have been; after all, I haven’t lost my ability to have children. But when you go through what Dave and I have been through, you can’t help but wonder if it will EVER happen for you. Although the doctors don’t see the two pregnancy losses as linked in any way, what if they are- and Dave and I just aren’t able to create healthy children? What if there is something wrong with my fertility that is causing these defects? What if this is just the beginning of years of problems and treatments that may never end in us carrying and delivering a healthy child? I know in my heart that Dave and I are meant to be parents; of that, I have no doubt. But I’m starting to wonder if we’re meant to have our own biological children. Sigh. I know this is probably mostly just the grief coming through; as the sadness and emptiness of the loss consumes you, it‘s almost impossible to imagine a hopeful future.
I distinctly remember being much younger and dreaming of the joy and excitement of one day starting a family. I envisioned how fun and natural and effortless it would be, how all it would take is simply making the decision to have a baby and poof- I’d be pregnant, have a baby, and live happily ever after. When you first start TTC, you take it for granted that there won’t be any problems or complications along the way- after all, this is what nature made us women for, right? And then reality comes knocking and suddenly, getting pregnant and carrying a healthy child to term seems like an impossibly miraculous dream. I’m sure it’s hard for people who have never lost a baby to empathize with what I‘m going through, and I will forever envy how ignorant they get to be of this pain. I would not wish this on my worst enemy. But for those of us who have experienced pregnancy loss- or even those who have had major struggles in getting pregnant- we will forever view pregnancy differently.
I feel very blessed to have a few special people in my life who have been there for me during this whole process and especially over the past few days, and I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for your love, support, prayers, phone calls, emails, hugs, tears, and especially for sharing this with me, because I know it’s been hard on you too. You lived it with me, felt the loss with me, and while I am so sorry that you are also suffering, it has meant the world to me to know that I was not alone in all of this.
I do intend to keep this blog going for as long as it takes to get a healthy little one, so I recognize that there will be some people reading this entry months after I’ve posted it, at a time where I’ll hopefully be well into a third/fourth/fifth pregnancy that is going along fully healthy. So for those of you reading this at a much later date, you may be shocked to read that we went through another loss- and maybe even upset that I didn’t tell you. I apologize if you feel hurt that I didn’t share my news of this pregnancy with you or if you feel upset that I didn’t reach out to you for support when we lost our second baby. Please understand that from the very beginning of TTC after losing Angel, the whole process has been so difficult for me that the fact that I shared any of this with someone other than Dave is surprising. However, I recognized that sharing this journey with a couple of women who have already been through it would give me the strength to face my fears of what could- and unfortunately, did- go wrong, in order to achieve my dream of becoming a Mom. I hope this makes sense, and I hope you can understand.
Per doctors orders, we need to take some time off of TTC to let my body get back to normal. I look forward to “talking” to you again in a few months when we hop back on the TTC train. Until then,
Love and Blessings,
Nicki
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Celebrating Our 10-Year Anniversary :)
As Dave and I celebrate the last 10 years of love and friendship, I am overwhelmed with how in love with that man I am. We’ve been married for 6 years today, having gotten married on the 4-year anniversary of the day we started dating, and it has been an incredible journey already. Throughout our relationship, we’ve experienced some wonderful life events, including: graduations from technical school (Dave) and college (me), becoming “parents” by adopting 2 wonderful dogs, moving cross-country on our own, buying 2 homes, going through a couple of motorcycles and numerous cars, and welcoming loved ones into our family as our siblings and friends got married and had children. But it’s been those difficult life events that have truly defined our unbreakable love: losing my beloved grandfather, having the dream of owning and operating our own restaurant fall apart, living 600 miles away from everyone we know (forcing us to rely almost solely on each other), facing major financial crisis after the recession, and hardest of all, losing our baby Angel who was so deeply wanted. Any one of these devastating events would have been enough to test even the strongest marriage. But with each new obstacle, Dave and I found that the more our relationship was tested, the stronger our belief grew that we can conquer ANYthing God sends our way. I cannot imagine going through the journey of the last 10 years without Dave. He is my rock, my partner, my friend, and the father of our beloved Angel and our precious Punkin baby. I cannot express in words how blessed and grateful I feel that God brought Dave into my life. So, today, on our anniversary, as we prepare for this most exciting next chapter of our life together, I am finding myself more in love than ever before. Thank you, Mister, for letting me be an emotional wreck on a semi-regular basis, for all of the times you do the dishes without asking, for taking the dogs out at night when I’m too tired, for recognizing my need to babble about absolutely nothing interesting at the end of the day (just needing some adult interaction after hanging out with only kids all day), for loving me in spite of (and sometimes because of? J ) my faults, for reminding me of all of my good qualities, for being my partner every step of the way, for making me feel loved and treasured, for appreciating me, and for making me a Momma. I love you, Dave, and I always will. Forever and Ever, Amen J .
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)